In-"faux"-mercials (I apologize in advance)

[Le Fae]

I know we had a thread of ad apoofs going, but it seems to have been purged. Having realized this right after I came up with a good one, I decided to remedy the situation. So, without further ado, I present to you --

The Lightsaberâ„¢
(this product is not guaranteed, not licenced, and not endordsed by George Lucas, Lucasarts, miscellaneous Star Wars-related organizations and magazines, or SW-geeks)

Sleazy Spokes-droid: That's right folks -- you only thought it was just for slicing appendages off your opponents! This versatile tool is an absolute must-have for any household -- you can't live without it, and that's why we at Fluke-us Arts call it a "Life-Saver"!!

*canned laughter*

Sleazy Spokes-droid: Now, you've always known that it's a state-of-the-art personal defense device which packs easily into any purse, pocket, boot, or C-and-up cleavage -- but did you know that it's also a handy can opener!?

*Ooooh, aaaaahh!*

Sleazy Spokes-droid:Thaaaaat's right folks, just look at how easily it opens this can of bantha fodder! With a regular can opener, this chore can take you up to a full minute -- and let's face it folks, in today's busy galaxy, who has that kind of time!? But with the Lightsaberâ„¢, you can pop that top in no time flat! Think that's impressive? That's not all!!

*sounds of disbelief*

Sleazy Spokes-droid: Believe it, ladies, gentlemen, and Hutts! It's also a handy lock pick! Lost your keys? Locked yourself out of your landspeeder? Noooo problem -- just use your handy Lightsaberâ„¢ to slice through the lock -- or even through the door! It's magic!

*applause*

Sleazy Spokes-droid: But wait, there's more! Those are only two household tasks out of dozens made easier by this incredible time-saver!! Others include:
~ shaving
~ mowing your lawn
~ home-amputations
~ wood and metal projects -- never use a jigsaw again, folks!
~ slicing that Thanksgiving turley -- the easy way!
~ breaking and entering
~ trimming annoying relatives and in-laws "down to size" (heh-heh-heh)

*laughter*

Sleazy Spokes-droid: Now, you can expect to pay an arm and a leg for this amazing product -- but for a limited time only, we'll knock the price down to a pair of toes and a lifetime's service in the Kessel spice mines! A real bargain -- and if you call in the next 15 minutes, we'll even throw in a free medical kit!!

(We're sorry, but only Lego med-kits are available at the time. Please see a trained medical professional in case of accidental dismemberment.)

Sleazy Spokes-droid: So don't wait -- call now!!!!


Keep away from children, mothers-in-law, and overlords bent on galaxy domination. Fluke-us Arts is not responsible for physical damage, death, or criminal litigations resulting from use, proper or improper, of this product. Lifetime's servitude on Kessel is a binding contract, not subject to revisions, commutations, escapes, reports to authorities, or other means of evasion. Not available in CA or MA due to legal restrictions.

[Atticus Funt]

Sleazy Spokes-droid: ....it's a state-of-the-art personal defense device which packs easily into any purse, pocket, boot, or C-and-up cleavage...

Purse it is...

Your Sleazy Spokes-droid almost had me convinced Le Fae, but then I read the fine print. My room-mate has dated far too many overlords bent on galactic domination for me to be a truly safe Lightsaber owner...

(Fun commercial, Fae!)

[Sendaz]

Sleazy Spokes-droid: ....it's a state-of-the-art personal defense device which packs easily into any purse, pocket, boot, or C-and-up cleavage...

Purse it is...

Heh... When I saw this I suddenly had this mental image of Jedi Plumbers who carry their lightsaber around back where....well, you get the idea.

*now goes off to scrub his eyes with the scouring pad to try and rid himself of the image yet again*

[Le Fae]

Sorry... I didn't think that would be the part which would traumatize people