Reviewed Saturday, 17 February 2001

Just another day in the Xenaverse, as a Roman army lays waste to a town of villagers. They're doing a pretty good job of it, but apparently not good enough, as in rides a female warrior on horseback, face plate covering all but her eyes. She reins her horse in to a dead halt, and flips neatly over its head, landing solidly on her feet and immediately going into ass-kick mode. Anybody within reach falls before her. Dramatic entrance done, she whips off the helmet, revealing that she is indeed a woman, in case the breasts didn't give it away. She fights ferociously, with her battle cries and grunts echoing a dim memory of a past Warrior Queen. Ares is apparently also impressed, as he appears to survey the carnage. "Congratulations, Livia," he says, naming the warrior for the audience. She's not surprised to see him, nor does she think much of the battle she's just won. But Ares is talking instead of the future of Rome, which has apparently just been placed right in Livia's grasp, since she's been named successor to the Emperor. Livia says that with that power, she'll wipe out all the followers of Eli. Mass destruction always was a turn-on for Ares, and the two kiss passionately.

Meanwhile, in the frozen wastelands, an avalanche exposes a ray of sunlight into Xena and Gabrielle's tomb. The sun has apparently gone nova, as it starts melting everything. She puches through the lid of the coffin and shakily pulls herself out of it, not looking too good at all. Glancing around, she notices the coffin next to her and weakly calls to Gabby, but the bard doesn't move. Xena looks around for some way to free her friend, and spies her sword, covered with extremely long icicles. It proves quite effective. She pulls an even weaker Gabrielle upright, and the two embrace, wet and shivering. Gabrielle wonders where they are, but Xena instead wonders where Eve is, starting to panic at the fact that they're alone. There seems no way out, but Xena sees the hole in the ceiling and throws her chakram to widen it. Fade to a a village at the foot of the mountain. Xena and Gabby, still cold but no longer wet, wander in, and find out from the locals that they're near Mt. Etna (which is apparently a long way from where they were). Xena suspects Ares is behind it, and starts calling for him, but the villager says that Ares hasn't been seen for the past 25 years, not since "the legendary" Xena died. Doh.

Xena isn't taking the news well, worried about what's happened to Eve in all this time. She asks the villagers if they know what happened to Octavius, but they've never heard of him. They've got quite a lot to say about Livia, though, "the Emperor's bitch", and mention her slaughter of Eli's followers. This catches Gabrielle's attention, who's surprised that people still listen to that stuff.

The duo wander around town and come across a tavern with a duplicate of Xena's chakram flanked by two sais over the door. Glancing at each other, they walk in to check it out. The place is a regular fanboy's shrine, with artwork and Gabby's scrolls hanging all over the walls. "I recommend the beans," a familiar, though elderly, voice says, with a bodily function punctuating that she speaks from experience. "It's Meg!" Xena says, which Gabrielle vehemently denies, siting the woman's new portly shape as evidence. It is indeed Meg, however. And that is indeed Joxer bitching about the Bard Burgers. The duo are shocked to see him so old, but perhaps nowhere near as shocked as he is to see them alive. Dropping somebody's order all over the floor (much to Meg's disgust), Joxer hugs the two of them tightly.

Resting in the tavern, Joxer says that he searched for Xena and Gabby for years, only finally stopping when Argo died. Xena is immediately sombered, but Joxer thinks he has something that could help. It's Argo the Second, Argo's daughter. She, too, is a beautiful horse, a darker gold than the original, still with a white star between her eyes. Joxer has never let anybody rider her, so it seems fitting that Xena should be the first. "Let's see what'cha can do," she tells the horse, and is clearly pleased with the answer. But wait, there are more surprises: Meet Joxer's hunky son, Virgil -- Gabby appears more than a touch impressed. Visiting time over, it's back to business, and Xena says they need to get to Rome to find Octavius. It won't be easy, though, since things have changed a lot. Not only that, but there's a victory march in Rome for Livia, so the city will be packed. Joxer, rather eagerly, convinces Xena and Gabby to let he and Virgil escort them.

In Rome, Xena asks Gabby to take the horses to a stable while she checks out the victory march. They're degrading, sure, but everybody who's anybody will be there, and that hopefully includes Octavius. Sure enough, Xena quickly spots him, though he's no longer Octavius, he's now the Emperor Augustus. Sneaking into his box, Xena confronts him, immediately asking where her daughter is. He doesn't answer, but instead stares out at the procession ... specifically at the aforementioned bitch of Rome, Livia. Xena is horrified, to say the least.

Wanting answers fast, Xena makes Augustus cut the ceremony short. Livia is taken aback, clearly expecting to be named successor and disappointed that it didn't happen.

"What have you done to her?!" demands Xena, but Augustus doesn't see a problem. Yeah, Livia's a monster, but she's alive, which is quite an achievement considering all the gods wanted her head, and anyway, Augustus loves her and plans to marry her. Unfortunately, Mommy doesn't give her blessing: "No daughter of mine is going to marry Rome!" she says, but the problem is that Livia doesn't know. More importantly, clueing Livia in will alert the gods that she's still alive, and they won't be tricked so easily a second time.

Nighttime, and Gabrielle finds Xena wide awake and staring out a window. She says how things went so badly with Solan, this time she wanted to do right by Eve. Gabrielle counters with a "where there's life there's hope" comment, but with Xena's dark side and Callisto's spirit, it's not going to be an easy ride. "You did it," Gabrielle comments, and remains absolute that Eve can change. "Like mother like daughter."

The next morning, Xena is going in search of Eve while Joxer, Gabby and Virgil wait at Virgil's blacksmith shop. Joxer offers his assistance, but his age shows through and Xena politely declines. Clearly concerned, Gabrielle watches after her, and Virgil waxes philosphical to try and cheer her up. She notes that he has a way with words. Unlike the Romen soldiers who enter the square, "asking" for money on Livia's behalf to build a new temple to Ares. One of the soldiers approaches the trio, who have no intention of giving money to the gods. Joxer can't resist making a crochety comment, and the soldier lunges for him, getting him in a choke hold. "You can't make us give money to the gods!" Gabby says, and the lead soldier wonders with open menace if she's one of those "Eli believers". The guard holding Joxer isn't impressed with her command to let him go, so she makes him, and a fight breaks out. Virgil gets his father to safety, and the fights at Gabby's side with surprising skill. Joxer, true to form, is anxious to help, but manages to take himself out of the fight and taken hostage. All three of them are captured and carried away.

The arena, main event: Livia vs. Ares. She's pretty good, and looks more than a little like Xena and/or Callisto in battle. The fight degenerates into a tongue war instead, which Xena happens to walk in on. Just when she thought she couldn't be more disgusted with the situation.

Something catches Ares attention, and he pulls back from Livia just in time to avoid the chakram that was aimed at his head. Xena catches it as smoothly as ever, and draws her sword, glaring at Ares. For his part, he stares in open-mouthed amazement before brushing past a now-forgotten Livia. She's none too pleased at this new woman distracting HER war god. He walks to Xena, almost in a trance, stopping just at the point of her blade. "If you were mortal," she says, almost with tears in her eyes, "I'd cut out your heart." His face breaks into a wide grin, as though this were the cue he was waiting for to make sure his eyes weren't fooling him, and he walks closer still, uncaring of the sword passing harmlessly through his chest. He leans in for a kiss; Xena rewards him with a headbutt that actually staggers him. But before she can take advantage, Livia has her sword out, and it's pointed at Xena. "Move, and I'll kill you," Livia says, and Xena seems to almost flinch from the words. Ares half-heartedly tries to placate Livia, but is more interested in fact that if Xena is alive then Eve might be too, "and I'm a dead man." "Eve is dead, and you know it," Xena says before leaping to safety and escaping, all thoughts of talking with Eve as Gabrielle suggested forgotten. Livia makes to go after her, but Ares stops Livia, knowing that Xena will return, and lead them straight to Eve.

Meanwhile, Joxer, Virgil and Gabrielle have ended up in a dungeon. Joxer is furious with himself for messing up yet again. More than that, he's afraid of how angry Gabby must be at him. "Are you kidding?" Virgil asks, "after all the times you helped her and Xena?" He starts rattling off a list of enemies that Joxer the Mighty saved the girls from, but Joxer stops him, asking Virgil to not mention all that to Gabrielle -- "I don't want her to think that she OWES me or anything, you know." Gabby interrupts, noting that nobody in the cell seems to know what's going on, but Virgil notes that they're all followers of Eli. That's as far as they get before Livia enters, and tells them all to pick a champion to fight her in the arena. If the champion wins, everyone goes free, but if Livia wins, then they all die. "That is not salvation, that's slaughter. You're above that," Gabby tells Livia. "How would you know?" Livia shoots back before ignoring Gabrielle for Virgil. She says that he's the one, and walks out without a second glance.

Augustus looks out over his city, deep in his thoughts. So deep, he doesn't notice Xena entering. But she's not there to kill him -- "not today," she says. She honestly believes that Augustus loves Eve, and as such, Xena's going to give him the chance to help her save her daughter. Augustus says that it's pointless because they love each other, but Xena fills him in on her little tryst with Ares. Augustus doesn't want to believe a word, but since they'll all be at the Bacchanalia that night, Xena will prove it to him. Why? Because she can see where Ares is pushing Eve, and she doesn't want her child to go through what mommy did.

We get to see just what a Bacchanalia is, and it turns out it's a fancy word for a Roman fruit & orgy party. Xena has snuck in as a sexy serving girl while Livia looks like a goth princess, proving that she didn't inherit mom's fashion sense. She encounters Ares, who is dying to know what happened. "I mourned you," he exclaims with a surprisingly angry edge, and when she counters by bringing up Livia, Ares says just how little the girl means to him. Livia's breath is taken away, showing Augustus just how right Xena was. "I'd sooner see the empire destroyed than leave it to you," he tells her and walks off. Livia looks lost for a moment, then marches off.

Later on in the night, Xena notices Ares hanging around. But he's noticed something too -- that Livia is Eve. Xena denies it, but Ares is relentless, so she resorts to trying to threaten him. He's more interested in making her see that he didn't know that Livia was Eve before now, though, hoping it will make the fact of her corruption seem a little less wrong. "Then let me take her away," Xena says. Ares counter-offers: stay with me, bear my child, and the secret will die with me. "You'd condemn to death a woman you claim to love?" "No, but I'd condemn her daughter." Food for thought.

Back to the dungeons, and Gabrielle notices Virgil is busy working on something. Something so secret, she startles him, and he quickly hides it from her. He's been writing, although he professes to be nowhere near as good as Gabby herself. "You're a bard!" says Gabrielle with a delighted smile. Virgil apparently writes poems -- epic poems. Groan with me now. He keeps it a secret because his dad doesn't like it too much, but Joxer says that Virgil is every bit the hero that he writes about. "Not like you, though," Virgil says, and Joxer starts to confess: "Virgil, those stories I told you, they're--" "Inspiring, aren't they?" Gabby jumps in, favouring Joxer with an affectionate smile. They are indeed, so much so that they've given Virgil the courage to stand up for what's right. Just like his dad.

Up in Livia's room, Xena's daughter needs a good ass woopin', she's being quite the little brat, destroying everything that could possibly be destroyed and throwing a general temper tantrum. Xena enters, and Livia draws her sword. She's disarmed. She throws a dagger at Xena. It's caught easily and tossed aside. Xena says she just wants to talk, not about Ares but about Livia. "You don't know the first thing about me!" Livia yells at her, and Xena counters with memories of Eve's first everything. Livia doesn't quite believe Xena, saying that Rome is her mother and challenges Xena to fight in the arena tomorrow.

The next morning, Livia enters to a packed audience, who clearly love her. Gabrielle, with Virgil and Joxer, watch from the dungeon, Gabby looking a little disgusted at the spectacle. Augustus, too, is disgusted, and reluctantly announces the match-up between Livia and Xena, "champion of the followers of Eli". Xena not only doesn't have the popular advantage, she also emerges on foot instead of with a pretty horsey like Livia has. Livia gets an early advantage, knocking Xena's shield away. Still Livia keeps coming, heedless of Xena's words or her kicks, which Livia proves capable of matching. Xena says she'll never give up on her daughter, but it matters little to Livia. She ensnares Xena in a net and drags her around for a bit before Xena escapes and knocks Livia from her horse. The two warriors exchange blows for a while, but Xena eventually gets the upper hand and puts the pinch on. Seeing their champion downed, the crowd become increasingly bloodthirsty, cheering for Xena to kill Livia. Xena tells Livia that she won't kill her, because Livia is her daughter and she loves her, but Livia replies that if Xena truly loves her then she'll let Livia die. Never happens, of course, and Virgil leaps on the situation by crying out "Our champion chooses mercy!" Gabrielle is quick on his heels, shouting that they all deserve life. The crowd seems to agree, and Augustus sticks with popular opinion. Xena smiles, and goes to help Livia to her feet, but her hand is knocked aside. "I'll make you wish I'd never been born," Livia snarls at Xena, and disappears into the onrushing crowd of recently released Eli followers. Gabrielle appears next to Xena, who is frantically calling to Eve to no avail.

"Gotta go after her, Gabrielle," says Xena anxiously. "She'll do something terrible. Gotta save her from herself ... and the gods."

Glaring historical twisting aside, I really enjoyed this episode, much moreso than I thought I would. I had heard rumours that the writers were going to get out of the whole baby-thing with a method of time-travel, and while I initially groaned and rolled my eyes at the notion, I confess that it worked. Sure, you have to suspend a little disbelief, but it's not like one doesn't do that automatically in a show that has greek gods cavorting around all over the place. I was saddened in many respects -- the loss of Argo and Joxer (who may as well be lost) are serious blows to the Xena formula, and they will be missed. I like Virgil, but he isn't Joxer, and they just don't have the time left to devote to giving Argo II the personality that her mother had. But these things aside, this was an episode that had some great moments, and is easily one of the more exciting of the series. (Not that that's hard, but it's supposed to be a compliment, really.)

Obviously, the focus of the episode is Livia/Eve. Adrienne Wilkinson makes her debut in the Xenaverse as Xena's only living progeny, which means she has quite a reputation to live up to. Not only that, but she's got Callisto in her as well, something which I was pleased to see the writers had not forgotten either (I was sure this would be glossed over whenever it was convenient). I was at turns unimpressed with Ms Wilkinson (her weak delivery of "I'm Livia!" standing out freshest in my mind) and inwardly smiling at some of the subtleties she managed to pull off (the fact that she sounded more than a little like Hudson's Callisto was a nice, and I think intentional, touch). With some time to get settled in, I think she'll fit in nicely.

Of course, the biggest question in everybody's mind at this point was just how Xena was going to save Eve, and if Eve would turn out to be Xena's biggest villain yet, perhaps even moreso than Callisto. While Cal was the continued tortured reminder of Xena's evil past that she could never erase, Eve is her second chance to do things right. Obviously by now I know how things turn out, but at the end of this episode, I was really curious to see how everything would wrap up in the end. My, the second episode in a row where I was almost gnawning on the arm of my chair in anticipation for next week. That, perhaps more than anything, is a testiment to how good Xena can be when it's done right. Given the rest of the crap we waded through in Season Five, this was more welcome than perhaps anybody can properly appreciate.

Score: Four Stylized Fanboy Tavern Signs out of Five

History? We don't need no stinkin' history.  Livia. If you know your Roman history, then you're much like me and know that while she may have been influential, and she may have been responsible for many deaths, she was never, ever, a blood-thirsty warrior for Rome. This put me off the episode at first glance, but then I remembered: Hey, I watch Xena for entertainment, not for a history lesson. If I want to have a better idea of what the true Livia was like, I'll go pop I, Claudius in the DVD player. I wish that the writers didn't necessarily have to butcher history the way they did in this instance, but I can see a patiently manipulative poisoner like Livia wouldn't have made for particularly thrilling televisual viewing. That having been said, I wish that the writers would've just picked some other name. The name Livia would only have triggered a spark of recognition on those who know where she fits in to the puzzle that is the ancient world, and we certainly don't think that it was "the whore of Rome" who went around personally slaughtering the lambs of "Eli". They could have kept the story perfectly in time with the rest of the Xenaverse without ever touching history, which makes me wonder why they bothered and becomes a little distracting.

Aeneid great?  You may now shoot me for that pun. In another act of historical malignment, the writers have cast Joxer as the father of Rome's greatest poet, Virgil. Ah, but I forgive them. I just sort of shook my head and chuckled, much like I did in the first season when Gabby inspired Homer and Xena coached Hypocrates. Definitely not something you'd ever believe, but harmless in its own way. Yeah, okay, so Livia was too, it just irritated me more. Leave me alone.

"I've had tougher games of tag."  --Livia's reflections on battle.

Not lost, just misplaced.

Villager: "Are you ladies lost?"
Xena: "Well that depends, where are we?"

"If I were you, I'd lay off the starches."  --Gabrielle's advice to Xena after seeing Meg in her old age.

The death of Eve.  "Eve is dead, and you know it," Xena says to Ares angrily. When I first heard her say that, I thought she was just attempting to maintain the facade, but after rewatching the scene, I think it had more than an element of truth to it. After seeing what Livia has done, how she acts and what she says, I think that Xena is actually speaking her worst fears aloud -- Livia is truly alive, but Eve is dead and gone. With this in mind, it makes the scene even more emotionally charged.

Wine, or punch?

Ares: "Hit me."
Xena (as serving wench): "Don't tempt me."

Give 'er the old 1-2.  Boy, when Xena sets out to shake apart someone's world, she really throws herself into it. Within the space of a few heartbeats, Livia's entire world is shattered, and she loses absolutely everything that meant anything to her to Xena. First Ares says he'd drop Livia in a second for Xena, and then Augustus denies her Rome. If I were Livia, mom or not, I'd be pissed.

I need a hero.  This was a priceless scene, and one which I've become so verbose about, that I've decided to move most of my discussion to Reflections. Suffice it to say that this was such a defining moment for Joxer, ironic given how late in his life it comes, not to mention Gabrielle, who I think sees yet another side of Joxer after all this time. Kudos to both Renee and Ted for conveying a wonderful moment with such subtle emotion, making it all the more powerful.

Quote of the Episode:

"You know, shorty, you kinda look like her. Only Gabrielle wasn't so butch."
   --Meg's appraisal of the real article. The look on Gabby's face in particular makes this priceless.

Joxer, Virgil and Gabrielle, in the dungeon. Gabby's just found out that Virgil is also a bard, but he's embarassed about it because he isn't a big hero like his father is. There, it's finally out in the open: Gabby knows that Joxer has been lying to his son all these years, claming her and Xena's victories as his own. I can only imagine how Joxer was feeling at that moment. He may be a bumbler, but he's not stupid. He knows full well that he didn't do any of those things that he glorified. In his youth, Joxer was still full of enough hope and vigor to maybe think that he could, someday, be the fierce warrior he always wanted to be. But now as he aproaches the end of his life, he knows that his life's dream will not be realized. After 25 years of convincing those whose opinion matter most -- his children -- of his bravery, I think that even he himself began to believe it. How hard must it have been for him to see Xena and Gabrielle again, not a single day older while he himself had aged so much? The excitement with which he offered to accompany them to Rome shows that he's feeling the blood pumping through old bones. Imagine! After all this time, going adventuring with the Warrior and the Bard again! A dream come true. A dream that is quickly shattered when they encounter trouble and Joxer is not only unable to help, but quickly becomes a hinderance, not once, but twice, the final time possibly leading to his son's imminent death. Not only that, but the love of his life has just found out what a huge liar he is, claiming her hard-won deeds as his own. I gotta tell you, if I were Joxer, I don't know if I could've looked either of them in the eye. But proving the he is every bit the man, Joxer makes the bravest move of all -- a move to tell the truth. Finally, after all this time, he will admit to Virgil, a son that clearly thinks the world of his father, that Joxer was never more than the useless tagalong that everybody saw him as.

Thank the gods that Gabrielle has a natural-born insight into people. She manages to stop Joxer from shattering Virgil's image of his father. Is lying a good thing? Under normal circumstances, no, it isn't, but I think we have to counter-question: Is the lie really a bad thing? No, of course Joxer never saved Xena and Gabrielle from the bacchae, driads or Callisto. But who really cares? They make Joxer feel better about himself and they give Virgil a living, breathing ideal role model that pushes him to excell. And isn't that really all that matters in the end? Whether he's universally well-liked or not, to me, Joxer will always be a hero, and I for one am glad that he passed that along to his son. You're right, Jox, the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree.

But enough dwelling on a single short scene, a few other things popped into my mind about this episode. Not the least of which is the question, just how the hell old is everyone? Eve, we know, is about 25 years old. Joxer looks to be in his 50s, which would make him about 25 or 30 when Xena and Gabby were put on ice. The true puzzler comes from Joxer's kids and Argo II. We saw last episode that he had two little ones, around 8 years old, I would guess. Virgil, however, is much older than that, I would put him at 20-something. Given that Joxer says he searched for Xena and Gabby until Argo died, either Argo died really young, or my years are all off. Either way, something doesn't quite gel here, and it's puzzling.

Even more interesting, though, is what might have happened in the 25 year gap. Ares says he mourned Xena for years. What did he do at that time? What was the world like? How about the rest of the Olympian gods, what did they do about their now shattered hierarchy? Did anybody else mourn? Didn't anybody bother to check with the Fates during all that time to see how that whole Twilight thing was going? Did Gabrielle's family catch wind of their deaths (again)? How about Xena's mother? When you have a world in which a single character (or pair of characters in this case) is the focus, I myself would be quite interested to see what went on when they were removed. Yet another potential future fanfic idea, methinks. Hey, TMK did it for The Legion of Super-Heroes, and while I think I stand alone in saying that I enjoyed The Gap, it's interesting stuff. Definitely food for thought.

Last, but not least, Eve. We know she turns good. Not just good, but "super-saturated unadulterated puking your guts out from the sugar overdose" good. But what if she didn't? What if she remained a bad ass? Oh, I would so have loved to see that. You know it would've come down to Xena having to make a choice in the end. What would it have been? Even Gabrielle's belief in Eve's inherant goodness wavers -- would Xena's? So many questions. So many possibilities ...

Questions, comments or some replacement urns? Eve smashed all mine. Send them to jetwolf@jetwolf.com.