Reviewed Tuesday, 25 April 2000
Hi, thanks for joining us again in nubile young Amazon land. The tribe from last episode are swimming around in a waterfall-enhanced lake while being stalked from the bushes. Two of the younger ones, Rhea and Eris, talk about Xena and Gabrielle, the former gushing about Eve and the later gushing about how lucky Gabby is to have a best friend like Xena. Cyane listens with copious eyerolls and blatant dislike for our duo, especially when Eris reveals that she's asked Gabby to stay as their permanent queen.
Meanwhile, Xena rigs up a baby swing for Eve. Gabby comes along with said baby, and as she and Xena play with Eve, the bard brings up the idea of them settling down in the Amazon village and raising Eve. Xena doesn't look all that thrilled with the thought.
The mighty Amazon warriors (well, Cyane, anyway) finally notice that someone's been spying on them and call for an attack. What we actually get is a group of girls who run ... well, like girls, and fight like them too. I guess they truly DID lose all their best women in that attack.
Gabby continues to blather about domestic bliss while Xena hides a sneer. Their discussion is interrupted by the return of the now-clothed warriors with "a man who has violated the sacred Amazon law" against peeping. Yup, you guessed it - It's Joxer.
Joxer says that he's friends with Xena and that should somehow grant him innocence. Xena asks if Joxer brought the letter from Cleopatra like she asked, and when he says that he forgot again, she bonks him on the head and says she's never seen him before in her life. Gabby tries to be the stern, queenly type, Joxer cracks jokes, and Cyane orders him put into stocks. Xena's disappointed that Joxer let her down, but Gabby takes her mind off of it by talking about home renovations.
In the stocks (a shaved down version of the thing Xena had to wear in The Debt), Joxer is taunted by the village's children. (Don't ask me how they HAVE children there, it's something I've often wondered myself...) They call him fat and he gets very offended.
Rhea brings Eve a doll and says how much she'd like a baby herself. If only there were a man handy to fill his part of the deal.....
The village's only current male resident tries desperately to convince an Amazon to let him "use the little warrior's room." He manages to catch Eris's attention, and when asking her nicely to drop his pants doesn't work, he returns to the "I know Xena!" line. Somewhat disbelieving, Eris asks what Xena looks for in a sidekick, and Joxer hurriedly spits out a few Xenaesque things, like being able to do flips and having a good war cry. Eris thanks him and leaves. Joxer continues to squirm and solicit aid from the passersby.
In the sauna, the Amazons talk about sex. Xena and Gabrielle manage to contradict each other at pretty much every turn, confusing the hot house virgins. Gabby mentions that they're considering staying, which doesn't please Xena in the least.
Joxer is still desperately trying to convince someone to let him pee. As Rhea approaches, he apologizes most profusely. Until she removes her coat to reveal a scantily clad body, at which point he turns into a lounge lizard and introduces himself: "Spelled J-o-x-e-rrrrrrrrr, know what I mean?" He says that he's killed a lot of people. "That turn you on? Killing people?"
Someone blowing into a ram's horn stirs Xena and Gabrielle out of sleep. Apparently, it's used to summon the queen to ceremonies. Xena thinks it's ridiculous. She also doesn't think that staying here will work out, but Gabby is typically Gabby and sticks to her guns before running off.
Outside, Xena has a chat with Eve, trying to convince herself that staying here wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. A twig snapping alerts Xena to the fact that they are not alone, and she pulls Eris from the bushes. Eris was trying to sneak up on Xena to prove that she's good enough to become Xena's new sidekick. She tries to sell herself and her physical prowess. "But can you clean?" Xena asks.
Joxer appears before the dozing queen, who sentences him to one day in the block for his heinous crime. Counting time served, he should be free by lunch. Cyane, however, feels this punishment is not in keeping with Gabrielle's encouragement that they adhere to tradition. Tradition states that Joxer should lose an eye. Joxer contests this, saying that he's quite attached to both of them.
Xena, Warrior Princess, has been reduced to whittling while Eve crawls through a log which leads to a firepit. Eris, broom in hand, paints a picture of the ideal Amazon dwelling. Using her whip, Xena turns the log around, and Eve crawls out where she went in. Eris goes back inside to finish the cleaning, and Xena muses that she's not an Amazon so such things aren't quite so idyllic to her, but at least the place is clean. Gabby returns from her hard day at the office and tells Xena that Joxer will be blinded for his crime, and that as queen, she has to enforce the law. She the notices that Xena's done some housework and, with renewed dedication to doing things right because Xena's trying to make everything work, she goes her job. Xena looks around with disgust and returns to whittling.
Poor Joxer has an itchy nose to add to his woes, and then to make matters worse, the children from earlier smack him in the face with something ... let's pretend it's a vegetable. Yeah, that's it. They run off and he yells threats at them. "Why'd you do it?" Rhea interrupts, asking why he spied on them while they were bathing. "How could I not?" he replies, and then apologizes when she confesses that he was the first man to see her naked. Rhea offers him water, and as he drinks, asks him to help her make a baby. Water goes everywhere. Joxer angrily says that guys aren't just machines and they can't perform on cue anyway. Certain things are necessary, like cheap motel rooms and lingerie. Rhea walks off, disappointed, and Joxer calls after her that he can always get those things.
In the throne room, Cyane stretches luxuriously in the queen's seat, pretending she's before her adoring public. Until she notices Rhea watching her, at which point she criticizes the choice of Gabrielle as queen. Rhea admits that if Gabrielle hadn't come along, the robes would probably be going to Cyane, and as she's such a loyal and honourable member of the tribe, Rhea knows that Cyane will do the right thing and support Gabrielle. Cyane storms out of the throne room without a word.
Xena leaves Eve with one of the many babysitters to be found around the village, grabs a bow and arrow and starts to walk off, looking happier than she has all episode. She manages to take a few paces before Rhea and a group of Amazons turn up. Xena WAS going hunting--alone--but Eris manages to rope her into helping them with the dance they'll be performing at Gabrielle's coronation. "Don't you want to help make this the most special day of her life?" Eris asks. Xena says yes, although not particularly convincingly.
Joxer is still trying to get comfortable in the stocks and nearly winds up crushing his own windpipe. To add insult to injury, Gabby flicks him in the nose. They bicker, Joxer claiming that it's not his fault that he was watching a bunch of naked women from the bushes for a really long time. He tells Gabby to just pardon him since she's the queen, but it's not that easy since there are traditions at stake. She leaves, going to look for a loophole, and Joxer's young tormenters show up again. He kicks a piece of horse excrement at one of them and laughs as it finds it mark, but is soon pelted again himself.
Back at Xena's, the girls are practicing their dance. Xena is off in her own little world, not particularly keen on participating. Gabby comes along and watches for a while. Xena halts the farce, saying that she's not really interested, and Eris stops any gripes by saying that Xena's a lot older than they are and is probably tired. They run off to finish practicing at Rhea's while Xena notices Gabby at goes to talk to her. Gabby's ticked, however. She says that she can really make a difference with this tribe, but Xena's choking on all the togetherness and sharing in the village. "You never intended to stay, did you?" Gabby accuses. Xena replies by saying that maybe she and Eve should go away for a while. "That's probably a good idea," Gabby says. Xena goes inside to get some things together, saying that after the coronation, she and Eve are leaving.
Gabby pours over the Amazon scrolls and listens to the younger Amazons outside, asking Xena to teach them her battle cry and show them how the chakram works. Gabby smiles.
To pass the time, Joxer plays tic-tac-toe with himself. He's stumped on his next move. Gabby approaches and says that next time Joxer sees her, he has to pledge his undying eternal allegiance to her, then he can be pardoned for his first offense. Joxer makes bad pun and convinces Gabrielle that he's delusional about Rhea wanting to have his baby. She's about to kill him when an Amazon comes to bring her to the full moon ceremony and they leave.
The Amazons dance around Gabrielle as she's prepared for the ceremony. It pretty much consists of caking her naked body in mud. And lots of howling at the moon.
Morning, and Xena is leading Argo to her hut. A fairly pathetic battle cry rings out, and Eris appears, doing backflips until she smacks into a wall. "Hate it when that happens," Xena says. Eris gets to her feet and promises to work on the cry (described by Xena as "a yak in labor"). She emphasizes her value to Xena, now more than ever, since Xena and Gabby have broken up. Xena explains that it's just a temporary separation while they get some stuff sorted out.
A procession, led by Gabrielle, goes to visit Joxer, who rather stiltedly pledges to her. To prove his allegiance, he takes her Three Stooges-esque pokes and slaps with a smile. Gabby says she'll take it into consideration, and the Amazons walk off, Joxer alternately fuming, nodding politely and leering at the procession. When it passes, he's faced with Rhea again, her chest mightily thrust forward. He hits on her again ("The 'x' is for 'xtra super sexy'") and she cuts him loose.
Xena comes out of the hut with the rest of her stuff. Eris says that she took the liberty of packing Argo's saddlebags with some stuff of her own. She says that if Xena only wants her around for a few weeks, she doesn't mind - it'll be a great experience and who knows what will develop? Xena kindly but forcibly says no and takes Eve from Eris, who looks very disappointed. Eris points to the pile of scrolls that she took out to make room for her stuff - they're Gabrielle's. Xena picks them up and brings them inside. "Want to hear a story?" she asks Eve, and grabs one entitled "The Return of Callisto." She reads intently.
Rhea leads Joxer into a storage room and pushes him onto a pile of sacks before jumping on him. "So, where do we start?" she asks. He makes a lame attempt to refute her, then starts to coach her on kissing.
In the throne room, Cyane says that it's time to punish Joxer, and Gabby points out that since his pledged his allegiance, it says here.... She never gets to chance to finish as Cyane snottily says "You're going to pardon him, aren't you?" Gabby confirms, and Cyane stomps off to release Joxer.
Joxer is probably in need of some release right about now, as he's lip locked with Rhea. Finally, however, some morals start to tickle inside Joxer's brain, and he says he can't take do this, that she's a kid trying to find answers way too fast. She's quite insistent, however, and Joxer says that they can stop this tomorrow.
Cyane discovers them and isn't amused when Rhea offers Cyane a turn at this "kissing" thing. She drags both of them off, although it takes a good two minutes to get Joxer out the door.
Gabby's housekeeping is interrupted by another trial. Cyane explains that Joxer was kissing Rhea "out of season", and since it's not his first crime, he can't be pardoned. Rhea says that it was all her fault (for which she'll be banished, Cyane says), but that Joxer's crime is the most grave they have, and as punishment, he must face the Royal Challenge - a fight to the death with the Queen of the Amazons.
Back in the sauna, Gabby tries to work a way out of their mess. She questions whatever made her think she'd be a good queen, and Xena replies "Your heart?" Xena tells Gabrielle that she found her scrolls, and Gabby says that Xena can leave them in the hut. "That's just it, I can't." Xena tells Gabby that she finally read them, and that anybody who can write like Gabby does "is sure to make a wonderful queen. And that's worth sticking around to see." Talk turns to the upcoming Royal Challenge, and Xena says that they're sure to want a good show, but not to worry - Gabrielle won't have to kill Joxer. SHE will.
Back in the stocks, Joxer tries to reassure Rhea that Xena's got something cooking. Rhea, however, still feels bad and apologizes, trying to explain why she wanted a baby so badly. "Oh, I understand," Joxer says, redefining the situation in a variety of ways, including such phases as "disposable stud." He's actually quite okay with that, but anyway. He encourages Rhea to wait to have a kid, but she may not get the chance as the Amazons come to take them away (ha ha, hee hee....*cough* Sorry.)
Cyane stands before the Amazons, giving a speech about how important their traditions are and that they should all feel proud today for carrying them out. Gabrielle agrees, and says that in keeping with tradition, she will allow the Queen's Champion to fight in her place. And who else is that, but Xena? Xena asks for a rundown on the rules before they start, and Cyane says the only rule in a fight to the death is that someone must die. "Sounds simple enough," smirks Xena.
And thus, the fight begins. Well, a fight in a manner of speaking, as we see the current, saddening wrestling fad has infected Xena. Yes, that's right, what better way to have a staged fight than with the king of all staged fighting, professional wrestling? The posturing takes a good five minutes, with Xena proclaiming herself the "Ultimate Woman" with her "thighs of DOOOOOOM!" Joxer does his best Hulk Hogan impression. They yell inarticulately at each other for a few minutes then the bell rings. Ever seen a wrestling match? Then no need to describe to you what happens here, and if you've not yet had the pleasure, you're better of remaining ignorant.
Finally, all the posturing comes to an end and Xena puts the Pinch on Joxer. Kinda. He's still moving. She tries again. Eris points out that she can still see him breathing. A third attempt, and Cyane can feel his heart beating. A fourth and final attempt satisfies Cyane and she declares Joxer dead. As the crowd cheers, Xena shoves Cyane aside and undoes all the pressure points, hauling a very live Joxer to his feet. "Nothing says he has to stay dead," Xena tells Cyane. The disgruntled Amazon tries to invoke their laws and traditions again, but Gabrielle says that it's time for those to be changed when someone has to die for a kiss. The other Amazons agree. Cyane says that all she wanted was to keep them strong and their heritage alive, and apologizes to Gabrielle, asking for permission to leave. Gabby refuses, saying that the tribe needs her, especially since she's leaving with Xena. Cyane smiles. Eris is a little disappointed that Xena won't be needing a new sidekick after all, but takes it well.
Under the stars, Eve sits between Xena and Gabrielle while Joxer snores quietly on the other side of Gabby. Xena plays with Eve, twisting a black-haired doll around with a familiar toned-down battle cry. Gabby says that she bets Cyane will be made queen at the next full moon, and she's quite alright with that. Xena suggests a cruise down the Nile as their next stop.
Oh dear. Dear oh dear. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, suddenly my beloved X:WP has turned into Monday Nitro and my worst nightmare. I nod my head to the show's silly, campy side. Sometimes it's even funny. But when I have to see Xena beating her chest like a gorilla, stomping her feet and overacting more than Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage during their hayday, it's time to reconsider what it is we're doing here. I appreciate the spirit of what the producers were trying to do here (I'm REALLY trying to be understanding), but that coupled with the complete retroaction of Joxer in this episode makes it a difficult crime to forgive.
TPTB have spent a lot of time on Joxer. Some would say TOO much time, but me, I like the big lug. He's ineffectual, he's largely incompetant, and his brain's not all that large, but his heart and good intentions more than make up for any short comings (and there are quite a lot of them). And Joxer has NEVER not come through when it REALLY counts, and done it with his own brand of style and pannache, such as that is. The point being that Joxer has been painted over the course of this show's five seasons as a sympathetic character, and with one fell swoop, the writers have reduced him to that of a leering frat boy on spring break, and not even a likeable one at that.
He forgets to do something that Xena asks him to do. I could be wrong, but I don't think that's ever happened before. Usually Joxer is keen to prove himself a competant asset and even peer to the Warrior Princess, and I find it disturbing that now he can't be relied upon for even a simple message. (While we're on the subject of that, if he didn't even do what he was asked to do, why the hell was he in the Amazon village at all? The Cleopatra letter was a plot device that immediately invalidated itself.) And what happened to the man who devoted himself to Gabrielle? It seems to me as though the writers can't decide HOW Joxer should act. One minute he's infatuated, the next he doesn't glance at her twice, then he's confessing his eternal love to her on his deathbed, and then he's chasing after anything with breasts. Pick a path and stick with it, please. Anything's better than Joxer the Mighty Schizophrenic.
This wasn't my only gripe with this episode, far from it, and there were actually a few GOOD things in it too. Sadly, these two events completely outshadowed everything else, and the end result is a yet another very poor episode in a season of the same.
Two Bizarre Pecan Swirl Headdress Decorations out of Five |
Don't I know you from someplace? See the above section for a look at that once recognizable character, Joxer. PLEASE say this is not how he's going to end up. Pretty, pretty please.
Fall of the Amazon Nation. Whatever happened, I'm sure it was the fault of these guys. This is easily the most wussy, unthreatening tribe of Amazons I have ever seen before. THESE are fierce women warriors? THIS are a proud, strong tribe? What I see is a poorly motivated dance troupe. Frankly, I'm unconvinced that these these Amazons could fend off Eve, if she decided to grab mum's sword and go to town. And these were the guys who were supposed to exact revenge last episode? Riiight. Xena should've had bothered to interfere with the Darwinian chain here, we'd all be in less pain.
High class humour. I think this was probably the first gag of this episode. When the sorority sisters are "attacking" the intruder, listen to their exclamations: "What's that in his hand?" "It's too small to be a weapon!" Ahh, masturbation humour, all before the opening's even run. Sort of set the tone for the entire episode, don't you think? (At least the later joke was midly amusing. Gab: Xena, Joker's going to be blinded. Xena: Nah, that's just a myth, guys don't really go blind from doing that.)
It's tradition to go with the traditional tradition! Now correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't pretty much the entirety of last episode spent revealing that all the traditions of this tribe were a lie? At least, that's what I managed to glean from the jumped mess that was Lifeblood. Assuming this is the case, then wasn't half of this episode's plot--the importance of upholding tradition--pretty much a futile effort?
"Duck Season!" "Amazon Season!" I'm sorry, but what? It was "out of season" for Joxer to be kissing an Amazon? What the hell are you, cattle? What is "in season," and why such low reproduction rates for a tribe that is technically battle-oriented (and, consequently, could have a disaster like what just happened which almost wipes them out)? Rhea said she'd never seen a man who wasn't trying to kill her. Do you people only mate once every 18 years or something? The kids tormenting Joxer certainly don't seem testament to that fact. And where the heck to you find groups of men in this desolate area to participate in whatever traditional ceremonies would be required? Too many questions, not a single answer. This was obviously an EXTREMELY lame plot device to get Joxer in even deeper trouble. Please, guys, try to at least pad stuff like this out if you're going to use it.
Let's get ready to rumble! The WWF. I confess to watching it during my tender young years back in the 80s and the early part of the 90s. But you know, I don't watch it anymore for a reason. Pretty much the OPPOSITE reason why I watch Xena. I've already made it clear that this melding of ideas was most definitely Not A Good Thing as far as I'm concerned, but it was so deeply troubling that it deserves repeated mention. Of all the things in this world that Lucy Lawless is good at, not looking silly while stomping around a ring and thumping herself periodically isn't one of them.
Little Miss Perfect. This is half a rant about the episode/writers and half a rant about the character herself. I dearly love Gabrielle, but she has this little self-righteous streak that makes me want to haul off and slap her sometimes. As she confessed in Paradise Found, she sometimes talks about Xena's dark side like it's a disease, and in doing so, she forgets that it's a part of what makes Xena who she is (not to mention pulling their fat out of the fire more than once). Such is the case in episodes like this once. Gabrielle gets so tunnel visioned into what she feels she can do for the Northern Amazons that she begins to thumb her nose at Xena. Suddenly, Xena's not trying hard enough to settle down, or Xena's being too selfish and not thinking of this half-demolished tribe. Never once does Gabrielle stop and think "You know, maybe Xena's not the 'settle down' type. I wonder if I should maybe sit down and talk--I remember talk, it used to be my strongest asset--to my best friend about our life's plans, instead of just making a decision for both of us and then bullying her into it." To her credit, Xena actually DOES try to make the most of the situation (I don't think she honestly expected it would work out, but she did give compromise a try, which is more than Gabby did), but the only acknowledgement she gets from Gabrielle is something that she wasn't even responsible for. And, of course, the amusing thing is the fact that when all is said and done, Xena is, as always, right.
The above was actually very in-character for Gabrielle, if intensely irritating. Of all the Xenaverse characters, Gabby is the one with the most subtle faults. Whereas even a casual observer could look at Xena and pick out a handful of things wrong with her, Gabby, on the outside, appears perfect. She's warm, kind, caring, loyal, pleasant, blah blah blah. But when you get to know Gabby ... REALLY get to know Gabby, then the varnish starts to wear away and you see her for what she really is: a human being just like everyone else. Just that in Gabrielle it's so much harder to take, because by then you've been completely suckered in by her. Again, this is the character of Gabrielle.
What I feel is NOT the character of Gabrielle is her sudden casting aside of Xena and Eve. When she accuses Xena of never even trying to work things out in the village, Xena is genuinely hurt - she'd been trying her hardest to make her way in a tribe she doesn't even belong to, but Gabrielle only sees success or failure and not the effort. In response, she's true to her character: she plans to leave Gabby, thinking that obviously her being around is having the opposite desired affect on Gabrielle's happiness. VERY Xena here, how many times has the warrior tried to shake loose of her bard for Gab's own good? However, Gabby fails to uphold her end - "Yeah, that sounds good, don't take any of my stuff, I'll be over here wearing my antlers, buh-bye." Huh?? What happened to the pledge you made to protect Eve with your own life? What happened to your pledge to Xena?? Suddenly we're into Fourth Season character regression, where Gab focuses on whatever perceived good she can do and forgets where her true responsibilities lie. With all the bad crap to come out of Season Five, one of the best things is the return of a Gabrielle who can take care of herself AND her best friend, and for THAT, I blame the writers.
Boredom sets in.
Xena's Child. When Eris is sneaking up on Xena and Eve, we get a quick shot of the baby. I've no idea if it was unintentional or planned, but Eve actually turns her head towards the sound and looks worried. Oh yeah. This is DEFINITELY the daughter of Xena ...
Joxer: "Well how about the tradition of not having your pal's eyes gouged out?"
Light Reading. It finally happened. After all this time, Xena finally sat down and read Gabrielle's scrolls. All of them. It's disappointing that such a monumental event had to be buried in amongst all the other crap of this episode (talk about a diamond in the rough), but it happened, and that in and of itself can't be bad. Maybe this is the spark necessary to get Gabrielle writing again (nothing like an appreciative audience).
Take that! The highlight of the wresting match has to be Joxer managing to score a couple of blows on Xena. That followed by his immediate, terrifed "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Finally, it's over. The end of the episode was a great thing. Not because it was over and came right after the Royal Challenge, but because it was a really sweet scene. I'm a HUGE fan of "downtime," as that's when you get to really see your characters interacting, and this one was no exception. For all the things the writers did wrong in this episode, the ending was one they definitely got RIGHT. Not enough to carry the ep, but it was still nice to go out on an optimistic note that maybe, just maybe, next week will be better.
Quote of the Episode:
Primarily, I'm interested in what's going to happen in this season. We're approaching the end now, and there's not a whole lot of time left to make the meat of this season worthwhile.
Generally speaking, I steer clear of spoilers. But there are some things that I've picked up here and there, and amazing as it may sound, some of what I've heard has caught my attention. For starters, we're moving into my own favourite branch of Roman history, the Claudians, and I'm intensely curious as to how the issue of Eve is going to be resolved.
I actually still have the latest episode on tape that I haven't even watched yet. Perhaps it's foolish, but maybe, just maybe, it'll be a good one to break this seemingly endless stream of bad ones ...
Questions, comments or personality cream for Joxer? Send them to JetWolf@jetwolf.com.