Reviewed Thursday, 24 February 2000
Greetings, and welcome to our generic village, an unsavoury tavern to be exact. Gabrielle is telling Xena a story, Xena gives her own cynical viewpoint. She plans to leave Gabrielle in the village while she checks the route ahead of them, and needs somewhere safe to deposit her bard. Said bard questions the need for this, until a charming gentlemen introduces himself to her by invading her personal space, belching loudly and propositioning her. "Another place sounds good," Gabby agrees, and watches Xena ride off.
Xena rides. And rides. And rides some more.
Some generic villagers are building something. One of the children whacks his thumb, we find out that some raiders destroyed a barn, and that our Hunk O' The Week is most definitely NOT going back to Troy.
Hunky Guy (Darius) leads his daughter to get some more pegs, and dismisses her attempted, silent warnings that she sees something menacing approaching. It's bad guys on horses, and I get the feeling they're not coming to the Barn Warming party. The place erupts into chaos, villagers go flying, and one of the children hides in the construction sight, which these rampant barn-haters have come to destroy AGAIN. Xena rides in, tosses some baddies around, and saves the child from almost certain squishing. She then catches two arrows but misses the third, actually GETTING HIT. Xena must be as surprised as the home audience, as she passes out instantly.
After the opening, Xena is being disrobed by Darius. Don't worry, though, he's trying to help tend to her wound. Xena proves herself a good houseguest by frightening his kids and then grossing him out by making him push the arrow all the way through her, breaking the tip off, pulling out the shaft, and then cauterizing the wound with a hot poker. Again, Xena passes out. Mmm, what a tasty way to start off a relationship.
At a war camp, one soldier fights another while an important-looking man watches and then takes on the winner. They are father and son, and father seems fairly unimpressed with son because he's such a pansy and doesn't like to kill. But son brought home an A+ in murder today, having taken down a warrior woman during the last ineffectual raid. Father says that to keep Ares' horses (always the most honourable of duties), son will need to kill more than a woman, and by the way, did I tell you that you're a huge disappointment compared to your dead brother? They fight some more, and father says that son is almost ready to serve Ares.
Xena lies unconscious while the two boys argue over who's going to get Argo when she dies. Ahh, kids.
Night falls, and Gabrielle is STILL waiting for Xena. She asks for water and nervously inquires as to how late the tavern will be open.
While recuperating, Xena tells stories of her travels to the kids, but has to censor out all the violence to bring the rating down to G. She even includes a moral at the end to discourage kids from the live of a traveling warrior. Hunky Guy makes goo-goo eyes. We find out the adorable little girl hasn't talked since her mother died and Darius makes more meaningful looks. A knock at the door breaks the uncomfortable moment, and Tynus, the town busybody, enters. He tries to convince Darius to throw Xena out, reminding Darius that he's taken an oath of peace and revealing the rumours the townspeople have heard about Xena's past. Darius assures Tynus that once Xena can ride again, she'll leave, and Tynus' parting shot is that he hopes that day comes soon. Darius turns to find Xena's bed empty.
Argo is being saddled. Xena says that Tynas was right, she's done some horrible things, but Darius only knows that Xena defended them and saved his son. Still, she plans to leave, but a wave of pain puts a stop to that idea. Outside, the bad guys torch the silo and the villager's food stores with it.
Gabrielle comes down the stairs of the tavern after what I'm SURE was a restful night and asks for more water. A "swarthy stranger" offers to buy Gabby ale instead and comes on quite strongly. When polite refusal doesn't work, she switches gears to intimidate the chap, including referencing Xena (just a turn on for this pervert) and then her boyfriend, who just happens to conveniently be the biggest guy in the place. The stranger doesn't believe her, so Gabby plants herself and a kiss on the warrior, who turns out to be the wussy son from earlier and the guy who's been conducting the raids on the nearby villagers.
Xena turns Darius' place upside down looking for her weapons, but Darius doesn't want her to fight, they're going to have a peace meeting with the warlord Cycnus. "Is burning the silo a peace offer?" Darius has seen war, though, and doesn't want anymore violence. He pleads with Xena to give them a chance to find a peaceful solution.
At the tavern, Gabby and her newly appointed boyfriend are getting their story straight. The bard spins a tale of romance and love at first sight that appeals to him. He asks what she's doing there and she says she's waiting for her best friend. "Maybe you've seen her? Six feet tall, dark hair, lots of leather. She fights like the harpies in a bad mood. Her name's Xena." Oh, sure, I just killed her yesterda-- Uuhhh, I mean, nope! Sure haven't! The soldier says that he works for his father, but isn't too happy about what he's forced to do. Feeling the discomfort for having killed his perky new friend's partner, he excuses himself hastily.
Xena's all trussed up in her leisure armour for the peace meeting. Darius disapproves, though, and loans Xena the use of his dead wife's favourite dress. Nope, no projecting going on here, no siree bob.
"I've made things easy for you," Cycnus tells Sphaerus (finally, the son has a name!), and instructs him to attend the peace meeting in the village. Sphaerus is all excited at the prospect, until his father says "kill them all! Make me proud." But just in case, dad orders his second in command to make sure the dirty deed is done.
Darius is getting the kids ready to meet the bad guys when Xena appears and the mute little girl runs up and grabs her hand. OH no, nothing at all psychological happening.
The meeting will be getting underway soon, and Sphaerus talks about peace, although somewhat stiltedly, sounding more like a high schooler giving an unprepared book report than presiding at a peace council. Xena earns a surprised look when she appears, although Tynus is none too pleased to see her there. "Don't worry, I'll stand in the back," she says. This is just as well, since she has a clear view of the door, and notices a blade slipping through, trying to lift the latch.
The council continues while the army lines up outside the door to ambush the peasants. Xena comes crashing through the window and surprises the surprisers, beating them all up bare handed ... after ripping herself some room in the dress. That's the way to treat cherished items that once belonged to your lodger's dead spouse. The villagers are saved, but aren't all that grateful. Darius hastily packs to get his kids to safety, telling Xena that there are parts of him that would like nothing more than to fight again, but he's seen too much of the harm it can bring. She leaves, saying that she has things to do as well.
Daddy's ticked off that the village is still standing. He blames and threatens one soldier until his son takes credit for the screw-up. His reward is to be called a coward who is disgracing the memory of his brother.
Lightning strikes, the wind picks up, and Xena's chakram is covered up by the remains of the blue dress. The kids come to say goodbye ("You can't go, they'll hurt you!") and Darius brings Xena some food and an offer to change her mind, which she refuses. She rides off on Argo.
Tynus visits Cycnus and, like any good groveling little toadie, blames everything on Xena. Dad's ears prick up at the name, tells Tynus to "go back to your flock and await the slaughter" and prepares himself for battle. Sphaerus asks what's going on, and Cycnus says he's going to finish off the village and Xena, who killed his other son by shooting him in the back. Sphaerus supposedly gets ticked off (not that you'd know, as both his voice and facial expressions remain unchanged) and demands to avenge his brother's death. Daddy is so proud.
"Xena! It's me!" Gabrielle unnecessarily clarifies as soon as the warrior princess appears, and gives the third degree as soon as she's within earshot. Xena apologizes. Gabrielle is stunned. Xena tries to stuff Gabby somewhere else safe while Xena takes on the bad guys, but the bard will hear none of it this time.
Death rides in fancy armour and nifty chariots, ever closer.
Gabby tries to engage in small talk with Xena over her own personal Hunky Guy o' the Episode, but Xena's mind is elsewhere. "Get on the horse," Xena commands. "No no no, I want to help you." "You can help by getting on the horse." Xena tells Gabby to keep going downstream, she's going to provide an excellent distraction.
She's not very good at "this horse thing," but the chariots give chase to Argo and her barely-on rider while Xena takes to the trees. She leaps onto the last chariot and gets rid of her unwanted passengers, then uses a short cut to interpose herself between the main riders and Gabrielle. It takes some coaxing, but Xena manages to retrieve her sidekick just in time for the main bad guys to catch up. Xena discovers that she's lost her chakram. Gabrielle finds the joke in poor taste. She then notices the chariot driver is her "tree in the forest" she was blabbing about earlier, and chastises him during the high-speed chase. Xena cuts the chariot's axle and gets rid of the baddies, but unfortunately, Gabby's as good at chariot driving as riding horses, and they crash too. "Remind me to talk to you sometime about your taste in men," says Xena.
Cycnus has a mad-on and confronts the oblivious Xena about murdering his son, Stentor. She says that he died at the hands of his own men while trying to make peace with her, but daddy doesn't believe it, and eggs on Sphaerus to kill Gabrielle. "This is it. This is your moment of choice," she says while Xena kicks the warlord's butt (unarmed, incidentally). Xena really doesn't need his help, but Sphaerus steps in anyway and says that it's over, no one else has to die. Cycnus disagrees, however, one more name is on the list - his son's.
The two fight while Cycnus spouts out his philosophies on life and peace. Darius rides in with Xena's chakram. Sphaerus throws down his sword in a move that would be the envy of any good sacrificial lamb, and as Cycnus closes in for the kill, Xena offs him. "If you had done this, I would've died proud," Cycnus says, and Sphaerus asks Darius to get his people together again for a REAL peace talk.
Back at the village with a newly-built silo. Gabby approaches Sphaerus and says that he did a good thing today. Sphaerus is saddened by the loss of his father, but doesn't have any regrets.
Tynus kinda-sorta tries to apologize and then gets all snotty. The kids attempt to convince Xena to stay, including the little girl who says her first words in gods know how long. Darius tries as well, but Xena tells him she has a long road of redemption in front of her that must be traveled first. Well, not in so many words, but mine sounds more dramatic. Xena's a little bummed about leaving the family she never even knew she wanted behind, though, and asks Gabrielle if she ever misses hers. "Sometimes," Gabby admits, "but not as much when I'm with you." She also admits that she really REALLY hates chariots.
This episode had a little bit of everything. Character development, action, humour and a touch of bittersweet romance. It's also an episode that suffers from the growing pains that all early series have, and as such, it's not one of my favourites.
I can understand the mechanics behind splitting Xena and Gabrielle up for the purposes of the story, but from the point of view of an audience member, I think it was WAY too soon to be separating the core cast members and show's foundation. This is only the second time we've seen Gabrielle, and to shove her off on her own for half the episode when the focus should be on building up the relationship between her and Xena was a mistake at this stage of the game. Ultimately, neither character is strong enough within the context of the series at this point to stand alone, and the episode suffers for that.
This point is emphasized when you examine the appropriate foils for both Xena and Gabby in Chariots of War - doting father Darius and confused soldier-boy Sphaerus. Since the primary goal of the first season, especially an episode so early, is to build on the characterization and back-story of its star players, these two characters come off feeling very wooden and watered down. This equates to "boring" in my book, and such flimsy, two-dimensional portrayals just don't hold up under so important a task.
All in all, the episode is greatly entertaining whenever Xena and Gabrielle are together and at least mildly interesting when they're apart, but the together scenes are too few to prevent it from being the sort of thing you see once and then forget about as soon as it's over.
Two Adorable Little Mute Girls out of Five |
I touched on this above, so I'll take the opportunity to focus in on the major detriment of this episode, that being the Hunks du Jour, Darius and Sphaerus. Each of our leading ladies was attracted to these guys, and I found myself sitting there saying, "Uhm, why, exactly?" Gabrielle, I can understand a bit more. She's young, she's on an exciting new adventure, she's a blazing inferno of romanticism, and here's a reasonably attractive, daring piece of beefcake who knows how to carry on a conversation, something that seems to have been a rare commodity back in ancient times. As evidenced by the total number of guys Gabby will form attachments to before this season is over, she's not only expecting love around each corner, she's going to bloody well seek it out of every single nook and cranny and beat it into squealing submission. My oldest friend is actually very much like this, so the behaviour is not particularly shocking to me (nor is the fact that she's still single, but that's a story for another time). But Xena? You know, for such a strong, independent woman, she certainly goes all mushy for guys a lot more than I would expect. She's freshly off her frolics with Hercules (an attraction that makes a WORLD of sense, him being her saviour and ultimate symbol of perfection and all), and within her second outing, she's falling for this guy? For crying out loud, I've seen seriously ill jellyfish that had more backbone than this guy. Sure, he and his kids were kinda cute, but beyond that? I'm going to choose instead to believe that the attraction lay in Darius' family being more a symbol of the sort of peace, both physically and emotionally, that she's striving for. They, much like Hercules, represent what she feels is her ultimate goal. Hey, at least it's an attempt to make sense out if it, stop looking at me like that.
The upshot of the matter was that for taking up a good 40-50% of the episode, these guys needed more personality and strength of character. Which I can understand not giving them, since the focus this early on is Xena and Gabrielle, and rightfully so. It wouldn't do to have one-shots steal the attention away from the stars that your survival depends on. So perhaps a story such as this would have been better served later on when it could have been more richly done.
Thanks, now get lost! Is it just me, or are the villagers in these ancient times the most ungrateful sons of bitches the world has ever known? In a country where it seems like peasants being attacked by rambunctious warlords is a daily occurrence, you'd think they'd be just a wee bit nicer to those who are actually HELPING. So you're a snotty bastard to Xena after she got wounded protecting your village's offspring, but you'll go kiss ass to the warriors who've destroyed your barn twice, burned up all your food supplies, and lied to you about a peaceful meeting to make you easy for the slaughter. Yeah, THIS makes sense. With attitudes like these, I think that Xena's toughest challenge will be in not leaving the damned idiots to fend for themselves. The woman has infinitely more patience than I, I'll say that much.
Silent acceptance. We didn't see much of him (in fact, I don't think he got to speak a single line in the entire episode), but Cycnus' second in command, or, rather, who I presume to be his Number One, seems to dislike Sphaerus, and mightily so. He spends his few brief moments onscreen glaring at his boss' son, poking him violently, things like that. But he's still willing to incur the wrath of Cycnus for failing to kill the villagers without saying a word or lifting a finger to the true culprit. You'll forgive me having a little bit of a problem with that. I suppose Number One could've been that rare, lone soldier who refuses to tattle, but I find that a little hard to swallow.
She'd forget her head if it wasn't screwed on. Sounds just like Xena, always letting those important details slip by her, doesn't it? No, of course it doesn't, which is why it completely boggles my mind that Xena would leave her chakram behind. I know that in this day and age, if I don't have my keys or my wallet on me, I feel odd. Checking for them when I walk out the door is as natural as breathing, it's just something that I do without conscious thought. Now you know that for a warrior like Xena, the same holds true for her weapons. Especially something as eminently unique and handy as the chakram, something she often relies upon as much as her sword in combat. But no, she just strolls out of the house and leaves it behind. You could argue that she's upset, but as we see later in the series, negative emotions often serve only to focus Xena MORE, not less. Agreed, this is in fact early on, but it still reeks of little more than a lame plot device to get Darius to the battle in the nick of time ... something that also makes no sense, considering he did nothing but play delivery boy.
"He's resting. After polishing his giant, lethal sword collection." Gabrielle on her imaginary, deterring boyfriend.
Gabrielle's Wild Ride. This was just hilarious and a great joy to watch. It's scenes like this which are evident of the great chemistry between Lucy and Renee ... they're only barely within earshot of each other, and the scene is instantly better than anything else we've seen so far. A special nod must go to the following exchange, which you really have to hear to appreciate, but is great, trust me:
Quote of the Episode:
Sadly, nothing particularly stood out at me for this episode, with the possible exception of: Whatever happened to Xena's promise to see Darius' kids again?
Questions, comments or ... uhm ... damn, this was a pretty uninspiring episode. Send them to JetWolf@jetwolf.com.