Lost in Space   2 Disembodied Jet Wolf Heads out of Five
"This movie is just one huge bad decision."
Wednesday, 15 April 1998
NOTE: Review salvaged from the original HoF. Contents may have shifted during takeoff and landing.

Jet Wolf Says ...
I was bored, I wanted something to occupy my time for a little while ... that makes this movie a PERFECT choice. Certainly no brain cells to be overworked today.

"What'd you wanna do?"
"I dunno, what'd you wanna do?"
"Go see a movie?"
"Okay. Which one?"
"Let's see what's on. Whichever is closer to the time it is now, that's what we'll see."

And thusly did Mike and I decide upon Lost in Space. I was bored, I wanted something to occupy my time for a little while ... that makes this movie a PERFECT choice. Certainly no brain cells to be overworked today.

First point to make: Outside of the "Irwin Allen Moments" that used to come on after Mystery Science Theater 3000 on the Sci-Fi channel, I have never seen anything of Lost in Space, though I have heard more than my fair share of ravings on the show from my erstwhile friend Belial. I think this is both a benefit and a detriment going into the movie. While I didn't have any sort of affection for the show to drive me into the theater, I also had no pre-conceived notion about how things should be. I can therefore, hopefully, give you a relatively unbiased look at this latest bastion of merchendising.

Which makes it all the more typical that I have no idea what to say. I neither hated this movie nor did I like it, "indifference" being the emotion du jour. The sets were average, the acting was average, the effects were average, the story was average ... Noticing a trend here? Yeah, me too.

Since I'm having such trouble in making my thoughts on this movie move in a linear fashion (which is okay, since the movie itself didn't seem to like to do that either), I'll just jump on the first point which leaps, screaming and foaming, to my mind. That being the entire premise of time travel in this movie. This was, without a doubt, one of the clumsiest potrayls of a muchly overused convention I have ever seen, made even clumsier by the utter stupidity of the characters that interacted with it.

Let's look at the time bubbles first of all, shall we? Alright, I'm having some trouble in accepting the fact that after a bit of pushing, they can just stroll into an alternate future and STILL SEE THE OTHER SIDE. Not to mention the fact that you'd think that just shoving your hand into a vastly different time would give you gangreene or something. Gyah, I'm disgusting myself with this part of the movie, it was just horrid. Sadly, it was also the remaining third of the movie, which kinda tells you about the ending. Don't even get me started with the crap about flying through the planet.

Alright, off of the gross mis-use of time warps and take a moment to reflect on my quote. I think the only thing I saw anyone consistantly do in this movie (apart from Dr. Smith who was an evil slime ball all the time and comfortingly dependable) was make a bad choice. It's fairly safe to say that the father was a multitude of mistakes, conveninetly wrapped up on in one huge, erronious package. Everything from priorities to parenting skills to just basic command was screwed. And when given the chance to go back in time, to change something ... he choses to zip back a full 5 minutes to rejoin his family. Not several days to prevent the mission from ever taking off or to put a stop to Dr. Smith's sabotage. Yes, I admit, all of these things cause time paraodxes like you wouldn't believe, but guess what? HE DID ANYWAY! If you're gonna muck around with time, do it in a big way, that's my philosophy. Oh, but wait, that's me bitching about those bloody warps again, and I'd moved on, sorry. Lost myself there for a moment. Again, pun only slightly intended.

Big war hero, tactical leader extraordinaire, Joey! Uh, Matt LeBlanc! Oh, dammit, alright, I forget what the character's name was in this, sue me. At any rate, Mr. Big Shot decides to blow up a futuristic ship with technology more advanced than anything he's seen before, while hovering almost within spitting distance. Now even *I* know that this was Not A Good Move. And let's not overlook the personal blunders that Joey managed to pull off in the film. Hm. One big macho hormone ... maybe Matt LeBlanc should look into ceasing this typecasting.

Oh, but I could go on. I shant, but I could. Despite my bitching about a few points and all, really, this wasn't that bad of a movie ... just so happens, it also wasn't that GOOD of a movie. Startlingly mediocre, was Lost in Space. Personally, I'd wait for a friend to rent it, and then invite yourself over. It's cheaper, and you can both test yourselves to see how many jokes you can throw at Dr. Smith's future form.

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