I don't mind helping out my fellow coworkers. Really, I don't, despite how it seems. If they don't understand something, then I'll be more than happy to tell them the correct way to do it. It's not necessarily because I'm good hearted, more the simple fact that if they learn how to handle their responsibilities right the first time, then I won't have to run behind them and tidy up their shit. It's simple economics. The only thing that I ask from them in return is that they listen and for a few brief moments, pretend that there's a brain in that skull casing somewhere. Every person in that room has to deal with idiot callers and their monumentally inane problems on the average of 150 times per day, so I would think it a benefit to us all if we treated each other with some semblance of intelligence.
But I guess it's just me.
One of the countless irritations up there is the handling of a rural satellite company. Using a separate program, we can log into the company's system and send rehits to their customers after hours, because they're too brain dead to hire a single person to sit in their offices at night, giving better and faster service to their five clients that call us up per month. I don't get paid to analyze how much money my company rips them off, however, merely to send out rehits to satellite dishes. It's easy to do. It's a Windows program that's used, for crying out loud, how hard can it be? And yet, despite the fact that half of those I work with can receive these calls, I am the only one that can figure out the program. They don't seem to believe me when I tell them that Yes, You Too Can Send Rehits. Blank stares are my reward for suggesting perhaps that they give it a try. Their density wins out against my patience, and in the end I cave, telling them to just send it over to me so I can do what a trained monkey--yet not my coworkers--can do. But that's alright, because you know, there's nothing I love more than doing your work as well as my own. (9:20p)
Business: The repair of heavy machinery. Caller: "My cock fell off, how do I glue it back?" (9:49p)
More flashes of brilliance from my coworkers. While checking one of our many cable accounts for problem calls that I would have to contact an on-call technician for, I stumble across this gem:
"Most of the stations including 32 and 33-39 are some of them."
Probably needless to say, this call was NOT reported to a tech. (10:06p)
A customer for a long distance company we answer for could not understand why there was a problem when they tried to use their travel card to call a toll-free number. (10:15p)
The following conversation transpired between myself an a cable customer in that intellectual hub, Mississippi:
Me: "And what is your service problem?" Caller: "Three eight twenty-one."
Taking a wild guess, I think she means channels 3, 8 and 21. Me: What about those stations?" Caller: "What?" Me: "What problem are you having with channels 3, 8 and 21?" Caller: "What?" Me: <sigh> "Why are you calling?" Caller: "21. My husband." Me: ".....UH huh. And what prompted you to call the service department?"
After a prolonged exchange much like the above, I finally discovered that the caller does not have channel 21, but cannot seem to answer any of my questions regarding it, including what ch 21 actually is. ("It's ch 21!!" "Yeeeesss...would that be NBC, HBO, FOX, Disney, MTV...?" "Yeah!") She was insistant, however, that she wanted to see her husband on this mystery station. This in and of itself was particularly eerie, as she sounded all of about 8 years old. Without knowing what the channel was, if she was trying to order it, or if it was merely out, I could not recommend a course of action, so I suggested that she call the office in the morning. She did not understand. She still did not understand after four additional attempts to explain it using so many word varations that Roget would be proud. She was disconnected, continuing to not understand. (11:16p)
Cable caller in Oklahoma. He refused to give his city and then asked if I knew the cable representative who left a message on his answering machine was. When I informed him that the after hours service had no information on the office personnel, he asked me where he could find the person that I had just told him I had no information on. When I informed him again that I did not know, he asked what the cable company provided. "Cable," I replied. He said he wasn't interested and told me to tell them not to call him back. He refused to leave any information about himself, however, thus rendering it impossible for me to pass along a message to the office to have the individual removed from their lists. (12:12a)
A contributor to a public television station could not comprehend the difference between the news magazine Time and the interior decorating magazine Southern Accents. Then claimed they were a doctor. I dunno, I prefer my medical personnel to have a bit more common sense and pay a touch more attention to detail. (12:23a)
A caller attempted to buy the public broadcasting station, stating "We can just throw out all this donation crap and I believe that with privatization, we can get some good quality programming in there." "Perhaps you're missing the concept of Public Television," I responded. He was, but nevertheless offered me a job overseeing programming quality in expectation of his being able to buy the station the next day. (2:30a)
The same public telelvision station recieved a caller not long after who wanted information on how to pitch his show to the station. While this might not be an unusual idea, the show in question was a weekly reverie of the Klu Klux Klan. He said his leader (who purportedly paid him a lot of money to find carriers) was prepared to dip into his "war chest" to pay for it to be aired. Before the caller could launch fully in a dissertation on the upcoming war to racially cleanse the world, I advised him to call the station during normal hours. (2:43a)
A cable customer, when asked for her physical address, asked if that was opposed to her astral address. (8:00p)
Cable in Missouri. The cable was out, and I told the customer that I would report it to the tech for him. He wanted to know when somebody would be out to fix it, and then had trouble understanding that the tech did not answer to the after hours service, we were merely the messengers and that if we ordered him to perform any task whatsoever, he would laugh in our face. "So talking to you does me no good." "Well, it does if you want it reported before 8am." He continued to try to argue the worth of calling the after hours service. He didn't seem to fully grasp my suggestion that he no longer call after hours if he saw no point in it. The conversation ended by him saying he wanted it fixed tonight and my reply of "Ah, I guess I do have a purpose after all. I will report it, thank you," and hanging up. (8:31p)
A pledge caller putting on a very convicing chinese accent called and tried to wheedle information out of me about what he could get from the show currently airing. This failed, as he couldn't understand that I was not in the studio and did not know what the show in question was. After asking multiple times to get items for less than their pledge amount, I made note that his accent was slipping, at which point he asked, in plain English, "What accent?" and hung up. (8:35p)
Cable in Oklahoma. Cable outage. She asked me if they were doing work in her area, and when I said I had no information on that, she said, rather rudely, that they were. Why waste both our times asking me a question that you already know the answer to? (9:22p)
Cable in Missouri. I picked up the line and the customer was, quite literally, screaming in my ear about how much she appreciated her cable bill going from $18 to $98. I calmly got all her information amid the hysterical howling she would occassionally erupt into, and told her that only billing could help her, and that they were closed until the next morning. Her response to this was to continually spew forth "No no no no no no no etc!!!" at me (no pauses for breath) in differing pitches and volumes. I once more calmly repeated that I could do nothing for her, but would ask billing to call her back. I hung up on her, still wallowing in denial. (9:30p)
Cable in Arkansas. Customer said he wanted to order the "Jiggy" station. This apparently meant porn. (9:59p)
Cable in Missouri. A man called in to say that the USA channel went out for a second, but came back on again. He had not previously reported any station outages. He just wanted to let us know. (9:59p)
Customer specifically requested a catalog for both nursing and maternity clothing, despite having given birth to her child seven months earlier. (I guess it's just hard to shed those pounds...) (10:02p)
This caller was not so much stupid as very depressing. She called into a maternity clothing store asking for a catalogue, and throughout the call, while I was gathering her info, she was screaming at her platoon of obnoxious children in the background. (10:14p)
Night of the irritating breeder as I receive another call for the maternity clothing store. This woman wanted to place an order, but first demanded to know right then and there if the items she wanted were in stock and ready to be shipped out. We don't have access to that information, and told her that she would need to call customer service in the morning to find out. "Okay, let me clarify," she said, and repeated everything I had just explained to her, word for word. Then, as the conversation was winding down, she snidely commented "So my calling you was a waste of my time since you can't tell me if these items are in stock." Me: "Since we have both established multiple times that I cannot give you that information, then yes, it would appear that you did indeed waste your time." For some reason, she didn't like my honest reply to her question. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. (10:41p)
Pledge line.
Me: "Are you calling to make a pledge?" Caller: "No, I'm calling to vote." Me: "I'm sorry..?" Caller: "I'm calling to vote." Me: "Foooor..?" Caller: "Sarah somebody-or-other." Me: "Right. Okay. I'll pass that along." Caller: "Bitchin'."
I've still no idea who this Sarah is and what she has supposedly been voted for. (12:20a)
And finally, the maternity clothing store. Me: "What size?" Caller: "Three months." (2:09a)
I discovered this while scanning for cable outages. The message simply read "Cable is working." I'm still not sure if this is an example of operator or caller stupidity. (8:05pm)
This one, however, is easy, and helps me to understand why our boss holds regular meetings to scream about sloppy work. The message in this instance: "...and Nickledeum has fuzzie sound." We have apparently stooped to recruiting operators right out of kindergarten now. (8:50pm)
One of the many products the health company sells is a magnetic mattress pad. A customer called to order a second pad for himself, after finding that it worked wonders on his back and then giving it to his wife (they slept in separate rooms, apparently, despite both beds being queen sized). He wanted to take advantage of the free trial period on the second mattress pad, however, instead of paying all at once and saving himself a hefty shipping charge. Just in case this identical item didn't do what the first did. (8:15pm)
More dealings with the cable company I'm in charge of every night, I called a tech in Oklahoma and delivered an outage. He then asked me, several states away, how to get there. (9:00pm)
Cable in Oklahoma. Customer called in to report his cable out at 8:20. And 8:27. And 8:45. And 8:55. And 9:27. Yeah, that's healthy.
Cable caller wanted to dispute the bill he had received. "You folks sent me a bill for $84 last month, and I sent you a check for $70, which means I should only owe you $5." The caller then chose to argue when I pointed out that he would still owe $14, not $5. "I only know what they taught me in Elementary School, sir," I said. He also could not seem to understand why the cable company was unhappy with only a partial payment. (10:18pm)
A customer called the health company and wanted to know if it was a problem that she had cancelled payment on an item she ordered because she thought her credit card had been stolen. She wondered if it "might be a good idea to let someone know." (10:55pm)
Cable out in Missouri. The woman calling this in was throwing an absolute hissy fit because she didn't want to deal with her child all weekend without TV. (12:05am)
Some callers to a public TV pledge line offered $1.50 for a 4-CD set of Doo Wop 50s music which required a minimum pledge of $180. For $1.50, I offered to hum half a song. They refused, demanding "that woman in the studio" do it. I told them that when they wanted to make a serious pledge, they obviously had the number. (1:10am)
Cable customer in Arkansas called to report that her house had been broken into and her remote stolen. Not her cable box, not her TV, just her remote. And next in our "Pathetic Attempts To Convince Us You Didn't Just Lose Your Remote Control" catagory.... (6:38pm)
A customer for the health company wanted to know if she could give a weight loss powder to her under-three toddler as a nutritional suppliment for meat. When the operator told the caller that she'd really need to talk to her child's pediatritian, the woman became exasperated that an order taker refused to just answer yes or no to a potentially serious medical question. It's always good to know where a mother's chief concern lies. (7:09pm)
Another caller for the health company had trouble hearing me as I spelled out the address for him. I tried using words to help. "'V' as in 'Victor', 'E' as in 'Edward', 'N' as in 'Nancy'," etc. This turned out to be ineffective, however, due to the fact that the caller in question could spell neither "Victor," "Edward" or "Nancy." (7:45pm)
A man placing an order was missing a number from his credit card, and when the operator told him as such, the caller asked which one. (8:48pm)
Customer would not give their zip code to me so I could call up information on the health items they were interested in. Apparently, they were worried that if I had their zip code, they would be locked into a purchase and that the knowledge of 5 digits they shared with thousands of other people would enable me to magically ship the product to his door. (10:43pm)
Cable in Pennsylvania. Customer wodnered why he did not recieve the porn he ordered on the Pay-Per-View system. It was because he had dialed the wrong number. I told him the correct number, let's say it's 1-800-JACK-OFF.
Caller: "How do I dial that?" Me: "You push the number that corresponds to the letter." Caller: "Huh?" Me: "Are you by your phone?" Caller: "Yeah." Me: "See little buttons with numbers?" Caller: "Yeah." Me: "See the little letters on the button with the numbers?" Caller: "....ohhhhhh."
I suppose in his hormonally saturated state, I should be impressed that he managed to call us at all, let alone convey his problem. (1:54am)
A caller for the health product company said "I was on a date last night and I heard the radio show about the fungus..." Whoo, hot date! (5:44pm)
Sometimes, I wish my company would raise its standards for employment just a notch. The cable company I'm responsible for doesn't ask for too much, but, as one should logically deduce, an address is essential for a tech to go out and repair the problem. Every single city account lists two instructions. The second, which nobody has a problem observing and remembering, is "Do not page on these calls." The first, however, must be in some super secret language. It reads "Be sure to get physical addresses." Again, the reason for this should be obvious, but apparently it is not. Tonight, there was a downpour of incompetence and I got drenched in it. I had only postal addresses to give to grumpy techs, who are just looking for an excuse to not work anyway. Things like "Po Box 2914" or "Route 1 Box 79" do not accurately illustrate where the cable is at - I would sincerely hope that even these hicks haven't been reduced to sleeping in their postal box. I believe that the next time I observe someone doing this for five consecutive cable calls, I'm going to let the dumbass who wrote the stupid things talk to the techs. If nothing else, it should provide a few moments of amusement. (7:30pm)
The health company received a caller today who gave me a wonderful front row seat for five minutes of Spineless Theater. Every statement the man made was prefaced by a "tell him" or "ask him" from his wife. It's a miracle that she actually allowed the package to be sent in his name. (7:30pm)
Cable call in Oklahoma. A customer called, asking for an explanation of what the computer told him when he called to order PPV. The questionable phrase was "Turn your cable box to channel 72 at 9:30." (8:01pm)
Cable in Florida. Customer had a cable outage and wanted to watch the Academy Awards. He refused to give any information apart from his phone number. The operator who took this call recorded the later part. What follows is an exact transcription of the call, sans the customer's name and number.
Caller: <gives number> You are still an ignorant cunt. Find out what is happening with my service, you stupid bitch. Operator: And your address? Caller: You don't need my address, you have my phone number, that'll access my account. Find out what is going on. What is your name? Operator: In order to give this information to the technicians, I do need to have your address. Caller:What is your name?? Operator: First I'll need you to give me your address, please. Caller: You stupid fucking cunt. Operator: Please do not say that anymore. Caller:You are a stupid fucking cunt! What is your name?? Operator: This is just not going to get anywhere. Caller: You know, do you have children? I hope that you get someone on the other end of the phone and you need help or assistance and one of your children is bleeding to death and you're on the other end with someone who says "I can't do anything for you. I just answer the phone and take messages. I am an ignorant, stupid person. I have no power in this world." I just wish that on you.
<long pause>
Operator: And may I have your address?
*click*
A caller wished to place an order for products with the health company. He knew he wanted to place the order before he even called in, he just wanted to confirm the price. The order is progressing smoothly, until I ask for his credit card number, at which point he made me wait for several minutes while he tracked down a hardwire phone. I understand that some are concerned with giving their CC#s over a cordless, but if you call to order, you know you'll be giving the number out before the call is completed, so why not call from the phone you need to use? Or at the very least, know where to find it in your own home. (10:07pm)
Hair care center. A customer called, begging to know what to do about all his hair falling out. He began telling me a sob story about taking his sister to the prom, and playing sports and having his hat fall off. I replied "Yes, that can happen when you have no hair to hold it on with," since I knew by this point the caller was a troublemaker. When I insisted upon getting the caller's address, I received the intelligent and creative reply of "Fuck you!" before he hung up. (11:54pm)
Health company, caller wanted to know about a magnetic matress pad.
Caller: "What sizes of the magnetic sheet do you have besides queen and king?" Operator: "Besides the queen and king, the magnetic mattress pad comes in twin and full." Caller: "You mean you've only got two sizes? What if I have a king size bed?"
The operator repeated herself three times with no success. She finally just told the caller that they were out of the king size and he would have to purchase two twin. (12:12am)
My very first call of the night. A cable customer in Arkansas wanted his billing address changed. He would not stop talking long enough for me to inform him that we only handled service problems after hours, and I had to shout to get a word through the incessant wall of babbling. When he finally shut up, I attempted to tell him what he would have to do, only to have him start yelling again, saying that he was a truck driver (a frightening prospect, as he sounded like he was well into his next century of living) and absolutely could not call during the company's 12-hour working day. He also could not be called back. Ever. Which was never really a danger, as I could never get him to calm down long enough to give me a phone number. I terminated the call when the customer started tossing vague threats at pretty much every living thing in existence. (8:03pm)
A woman dialed into the repair line for heavy industrial machinery. She told me that she wanted me to check on a number for her. When I informed her that I could do no such thing, she said "Well, the operator gave me this number." Operators, being omniscient beings who never make errors, clearly knew better than I what I could and could not do, so this woman again told me to check a number for her. When I insisted that she had the wrong number, she became hostile, asking me which number she was supposed to call then, and completely disbelieving me when I said I had no earthly idea what it was. This call is, admittedly, very much like the event described in Everyday Stupidity, but she irritated me so much, I felt she deserved extra special attention. (8:44pm)
Cable in Oklahoma. The caller wanted me to put her in touch with Larry King. (8:46pm)
A company trying to forward their calls was appalled that they had to wait, for they were under the impression that our entire 100-or-so employees were employed JUST to handle their overflow and after-hours messages. (8:50pm)
A cable customer said flat out that she did not know why the office had called her. When I said I would pass her message to the office, she had a revelation and asked if it was possibly due to her unpaid bill. (9:45pm)
When a customer was asked their name, they actually said to themselves "What is my name...?" (10:19pm)
A pledge caller, when informed that he could pledge as little as $1, decided he could not afford it. I should have told him about the special offer for people who pledge dirt and dryer lint. (12:42am)
Another health company, this one specializing in weight-loss products. A customer called in to say that he was having something of a reaction to the products. One might think this to be a runny nose or a bit of an itch, but no, this person must have been watching too many "Extreme" commercials, for he waited until his skin was bleeding and he was unable to work before he called. The man was threatening to sue... If he did not get another item of equal value from the company. Good priorities are so hard to find. (1:00am)
Nothing here from me tonight. Not only was it slow, but I spent practically my entire shift working on something which kept me blissfully free of calls. Ahh, if only every day could be this good.
A caller leaving a message spelled her name (pronounced perfectly as "Brandy") as "Bindy." If the spelling isn't right, I feel for her. If the spelling is right... I REALLY feel for her. (8:44pm)
A customer calling about her cable from a friend's house did not know her phone number. Neither did her friend. She asked me to hold on while she ran home to check it out and hung up on me. (8:47pm)
A customer actually put me on hold so she could think about which year her baby would be born. Stating the year is one thing. Pausing and saying "uhhh" before stating it is worse. But taking a break from the conversation to wrack your brain for the year should earn any mother a free sterilization. (8:35pm)
When asked for her due date, an expecting mother, who wanted a maternity catalog, thought we would not send her said catalog until that date. "Hey there, how about some maternity clothes for the next time you get pregnant?" (9:01pm)
The customer who called at 9:01 called back again to get... A maternity clothing catalog. She had absolutely no recollection of calling 12 minutes earlier. If not for the fact that I knew her due date and city ahead of time, I would have questioned my own sanity and not hers. (9:13pm)
A customer called a wrong number about her telephone bill. The operator explained to the caller that she had a wrong number, and that the number she accidentally reached was for the construction of mobile homes. The customer then said "Oh, well, I live in a trailer, do you think your company would offer me a better long distance rate?" (9:55pm)
A cable caller in Florida complained that, after cancelling her service, she received a bill for the previous month. Subtle mention of the fact that she had actually received cable service that month did not dissuade her from the believe that it should be free. (9:57pm)
Cable in Florida. The caller wanted to know how to order Pay-Per-View. I asked him if he had a descrambler box, and when he asked what it was, I told him that it was the box that descrambles the signal and was quite necessary to order PPV. He then asked me if he had one. I told him that he would know better than I, to which the caller offered "I have a condo." "Having a condo and having a cable box are mutally exclusive," I informed him. The caller could not grasp that I was not The Beastmaster and, therefore, lacked the ability to see through his eyes and spy this all-important piece of cable equpiment that he most likely wanted to order either porn or wrestling on. (11:11pm)
I don't mind helping out my fellow coworkers. Really, I don't, despite how it seems. If they don't understand something, then I'll be more than happy to tell them the correct way to do it. It's not necessarily because I'm good hearted, more the simple fact that if they learn how to handle their responsibilities right the first time, then I won't have to run behind them and tidy up their shit. It's simple economics. The only thing that I ask from them in return is that they listen and for a few brief moments, pretend that there's a brain in that skull casing somewhere. Every person in that room has to deal with idiot callers and their monumentally inane problems on the average of 150 times per day, so I would think it a benefit to us all if we treated each other with some semblance of intelligence.
