We all have jobs here. They may not be what we like or pay as much as we hope, but we're supposed to do them nonetheless. And when, for some unknown reason, we decide to do someone else's job instead, one can only assume we can do it right. Tonight, I watched a peon lacky such as myself attempt to check in a technician, Nikki's job. Her skilled technique included:
Attempting to take the tech's call as if she were the one assigned to do that job
Doodle on a piece of paper while half-listening to him
"Accidentally" hang up on him before he could deliver information
Make a half-assed bulletin with the little info she had
Fortunately, I caught her in time and told her to explain the situation to the person who should have taken the call in the first place. Somehow, I doubt she got the full story. (10:00pm)
A cable caller in Colorado, after having a pole knocked down for 4 hours, proceeded to call and let me know he needed the cable on in 20 minutes for the news. And he did his utmost to get me to tell him when it would be back on. "In other news," I mused after he disgruntedly hung up, "a man learned that you alert the cable company when the cable goes out." (10:27pm)
The on-call for a towing company called in, saying that he couldn't find the car we had dispatched him to. I reread him the information and he replied "I don't see it." He then paused expectantly, as though I would be able to somehow spread my telepathic wings and get a fix on the man's vehicle. When the pause threated to stretch on into infinity I finally had to ask "Okay, what do you want me to do?" "I dunno," he replied intelligently. Then the true amusement began, as I heard another man out on the street flag the driver down. "The car's right over there! By the warehouse! Can't you see?!" The driver, throughout, would reply with such self-assured utterances as "Uhh..." and "Yeah..?" When he returned to me, he had the gall to blame it on the person in need of the tow, claiming the wrong streets were reported, like I'd somehow fallen deaf during his conversation with the concerned pedestrian. (10:36pm)
A cable customer in Pennsylvania was most upset that she was unable to receive PPV. For some reason, the silly computer was unable to just guess her newly aquired phone number. When informed that she would need to let the office know about the number to use the after-hours PPV system, she began to whine: "But whyyyy?? It's my momma's!" I'm still somewhat in the dark as to the relevance of this bold proclamation. (12:43am)
The auto financing strikes per usual. Although the string of calls was as annoying and lengthy as usual, no particular shockers abounded. Apart from the lad who informed me of his whopping $100 gross monthly income. Seems he was a young high-schooler with no credit, down payment, or trade-in. I wonder what stylish sporty vehicle he hoped to snag? (12:43am)
More PPV intelligence in Pennsylvania. This time a customer called and could only relay the words "movie" and "Silicon Highway" but seemed incapable of saying WHY.
Me: And why are you telling me this? Man: Movie. Me: Right, we established that already. Man: <much disjointed mumbling> Me: I'm sorry, sir, I can only communicate in complete sentences. Man: My phone no work. Me: There's soemthing wrong with your phone? Man: Yes. Me: Then you would need to contact your phone company. Man: You? Me: No, this is your cable company. We have nothing to do with your phone.
Yeah, I figured it was to do with PPV, but my feeling on it is that if you can't even be bothered/intelligent enough to even TRY to inform me of your problem, then I won't waste anything on you to figure it out. Instead, I'm sure there's a hapless, less bitchy phone company operator out there somewhere trying to explain with little luck why AT&T is incapable of sending him porno. (1:13am)
I found something incongruous while searching for cable outages today. A customer in Texas called twice. The first was to complain that he had to watch a telethon instead of the hockey game. 15 minutes later he called again to say that his cable had been out for over two hours. I think someone's nose is growing ... (7:30pm)
Sexual frustrations abound. After being informed that he could not order the Spice channel, a cable caller in Pennsylvania hung up on me. Or he thought he did. After failing to set the phone receiver down properly, he screamed a short profanity then grabbed some glass object (most likely a beer mug) and threw it into the wall. My sympathies, but if you're that hard up for porn, you should keep an emergency tape on hand... (8:32pm)
An extremely--EXTREMELY--elderly woman in Kentucky, whose voice flowed unto my ears like the sweet, graceful melody of a siren caught in a blender, called to report that the Weather Channel had not changed its picture for many hours. "We been sittin' here watchin' since earlier this af-ter-noon and this here pikchure ain't changed! It's startin' t' git borin'." I find it difficul to imagine that the entire televisual adventure was ever anything but. (9:42pm)
A cable customer called to report the following problem with his bill: "Yes, I wanted to report that I took my payment down to the office to put in the night deposit box so they would have it in the morning and I was about to drop it in the box when it blew out of my hand and lodged up in the drive-thru window and I couldn't get it down... So I wanted to report that in the morning when the girls that work the window go to look out and see that stuck in the window they'll know it's my payment sticking up there." (10:36pm)
A customer to the health company called in to complain that she had not received all the necessary components with her magnetic mattress pad. They had apparently left out the motor necessary to power the magnets. The customer queried whether or not she should get her son to somehow hook the mattress pad up to a car battery. "Well lady," the operator began, "it's your mattress pad, but I'd recommend calling customer service first." (10:57pm)
It is beyond my scope of reason as to why people bring up utterly irrelevant points in a conversation. In this instance, a woman called in to the health company to place an order for one of their myriad of products. When I asked for her name, she responded with "How long?" After a bit of discussion, we determined that this ambiguous question was in referance to shipping time, so I sited her the standard "within two weeks" answer. This was apparently an open invitation to bitch about the LAST order she'd placed with the company. Six months ago. She still hadn't received it. Now I empathize with her irritation at this situation, but being ultimately irrelevant to our own, I didn't give a shit. I explained this to her, although much more flowery. Unfortunately, her brain had gotten stuck in some sort of operating loop and no amount of prodding could shake her out of it. Finally she exclaimed "Well if YOU'D spent $100 and not gotten anything, you wouldn't find it so damned funny!" "I don't find anything about this remotely funny, I assure you." "Well, wouldn't you be skeptical if a company told YOU two weeks and six months later you still didn't have anything?!" "Perhaps, but then, I wouldn't be calling them to place another order for something else, either." She hung up soon after. (11:08pm)
I've found a new account to hate. If you read my rant about Memorial Day then you've already been introduced to it--a veterans museum, specifically about D-Day. My interactions with veterans has been fairly minimal at best, but regardless, I had always imagined they would be courteous, understanding, and generall pleasant, if inclined towards wandering stories. I'm no longer holding that rose-tinted view. For tonight, with all of three operators around to handle the call volume, the museum's owners reran an hour-long program and flashed this number quite regularly. During my hour or so of non-stop calls, I spoke with many, many veterans. Perhaps two were amicable. And that's a generous estimation. Instead, I encountered rudeness beyond measure. People infuriated that the program was pre-recorded, men and women who not only refused to give their name but I'm fairly certain they would've gutted me on sight for daring to ask for it. Perhaps most staggering of all were the people who called and bitched because the D-Day museum focused on, of all things, D-Day. I heard countless moans and whines about how the Navy wasn't being glorified, or how the marines halfway around the world were being left out. I even fielded a call from a man who had never fought in a war himself, but was still angry because he worked on the boats that the men rode in to storm the beaches and he wasn't mentioned either. I think all of this really manages to perfectly sum up all I could've wanted to say in my rant. Thank you, America, for being yourself. (11:42pm)
A woman calling into the health products company was unsure what she wanted to order, but she knew this much: she wanted the vitamins that dealt with cocaine. (11:52pm)
I received a call from a bewildered man to one of our web hosting clients. He was puzzled as to why he had been unable to speak directly to a technician. Then he claimed he'd never spoken to anyone at all. He still claimed this, even as I told him all the pertinent information he had given to Mike not two minutes previous. (12:12am)
A caller for the ever-damnable auto financing complained of being "too f'ing excited about the guy on the commercial," and asked me what he should do. Before I, stunned, could say anything, he gave me his same complaint, only more convincingly false. "For starters, sir," I explained, "you can hang up the phone." "Huh?" he asked. "Ah, you need help. No problem, let me show you how." <click> (12:40am)
During one of my many veteran's museum calls, I spoke to a pleasant, if midly insane woman who told me she asked her brother to call, but he would not. She said he had a very interesting story about how he was killed in the war. (1:00am)
A caller to our health products center called to complain that while she had been receiving a product for $25, she heard she could get it for $30 instead. She asked why she hadn't gotten that deal earlier. Also, she complained that our claim of "three month supply" was misleading. The three bottles she received had only lasted her and her two sons one month. (7:10pm)
A hotel manager calling to report some cable outages she had been informed of admitted to me that she had no idea how to check and see if cable was out on a television. (8:41pm)
A cable customer in Missouri called to report that ESPN2 was in black and white. That's all. For this, he felt the need to call at 9:21, 9:25, 9:31, 9:33 and 9:35. Partake of our second engaging conversation:
Man: I have redial. Me: And I can tell you're fond of using it. As I told you last time, I will let the technician know about this for you and that is all I can do. Man: Yeah. Don't you say "bye-bye" until I say "bye-bye". Me: Uh-huh, bye-bye. <click>
A cable customer called in to report his cable out. Initially, he did not want to give me any information at all, including his city, claiming "You don't need that." After I was able to get all the info, the man started to slip slowly into insanity. He initially told me that he WOULD speak to the president of the company if the cable was not repaired by 10pm -- 7 minutes away. I listened to his demands for a while, then pleasantly informed him that there was absolutely no chance of that happening. He didn't believe me and again told me that I was and was not going to do. I laughed. He popped a few blood vessels and told me that he was going to deduct the next year off his bill. I laughed harder. This went on until he became boring and started screaming at the top of his lungs at me. "If you don't stop yelling and start talking to me like a civilized human being, I'm disconnecting this call." Can you guess the outcome? (9:53pm)
A cable customer in Missouri called (again) to report his cable still out. I told him that the tech was still working on it and we did not have an estimated time on repairs.
Man: So you don't know when it will be back up. Me: Correct. Man: It's been out over two hours. Me: I know. Man: And you don't know when it will be back up. Me: That is indeed what "no estimated time" means. Man: No shit. Thanks for being a smart ass. Me: You're welcome.
The above customer in Missouri called me. I requested his city, and he immediately forgot his place in the questionee/questioner relationship.
Man: I want to know your name. Me: Mike. Which city are you calling from? Man: And how many people work with you? Me: That is irrelevant, sir. You're calling from <city>, correct? Man: Right, and I just talked with a young lady there who was rude and smart with me. Who was she? Me: What question did you ask her? Man: It doesn't matter. I want to know her name. Me: I do not know, sir. If you'd like to leave your information, I can report your complaint to the office. Your name? Man: You're being rude too. I'm going to report you as well. Me: Fine. My name is Mike, and I am Operator #57. The office will be open from 7am to 8pm tomorrow to hear your complaints.
...and then, in what I can pleasantly imagine to be pent-up rage, he hung up and did not call again. (11:55pm)
A caller for our health services had to abort his attempt to order a mattress pad due to being unable to get his wallet out of his pocket. "I don't feel up to it," he said of the monumental feat. "I'll have to call you back." (12:36am)
After telling a customer to the health company that the discount price of the magnetic mattress pad was $248, she said "But they said on the radio that I could get it for under $250!" Next, when asked for the radio station call letters she heard about the pad on, she gave me two dial frequencies. Typing in "did not know", I moved to the next question, only to have her demand to know which frequency was the correct answer. I had a devil of a time explaining to her that being halfway across the country from her meant I had no idea. Finally, towards the end of the call, she insisted that her zip code was six digits long. I should've tried to sell her the brain enhancement formula instead ... (12:42am)
ADDENDUM: 15 minutes later, the above woman called back to tell me her space number in the address. Yup, brain enhancement is definitely on her menu. (12:59am)
A Canadian pledge caller to a Vermont public television station did not know her postal code. Nary a clue as to what it was. She couldn't understand how we did not have that information ("Well, ma'am, they probably assumed that people would know their address." "Oh. I don't.") I suggested she call information to see if they could help and she replied "I don't need information." I really had to bite my tongue on my instinctive reply. Finally, she asked me where she could get her postal code. My suggestion of checking a piece of mail she was sent was met with utter confusion. (10:40pm)
A pledge caller in Vermont called to foam at me. He had apparently made a pledge on month ago and received nothing. When reminded that the shipping times are 8 to 10 weeks, he grumbled "Yeah, I know, but a week later I made my pledge to Station 2 and they--" "Sir, this is Station 1, we ship your gift in 8 to 10 weeks." "How come the other people ship faster?" "I do not know, as I am not with them. Would you like to place a pledge with us?" "No," he snapped, and hung up. I couldn't tell if he was madd that I didn't know the answers to his questions, or that he finally came to the realization that he had spent five times the price for an item he could have driven out to the mall for. (10:43pm)
A cable caller in Louisiana complained of bad sound on her cable. Whenever she turned on her television, the loud, distorted audio was deafening, so she would have to turn the TV off. I asked her if turning the volume down on the television helped, and she asked "You can do that?" (7:49pm)
A man ordering a maternity clothing catalog actually felt the need to say "It's for my wife, I'm not pregnant." (8:03pm)
A cable customer in Illinois was calling for some detail or another on their bill.
Me: I'm sorry, I have no access to billing information. You would need the billing department, and they will be open again tomorrow morning. Woman: I just need to know if you have a record. Me: I don't know, ma'am. I do not have access to billing information. Woman: Look, all I want to know is if they have a credit on my bill for my cable being out last week. Me: That would be the billing information to which I have no access.
She hung up, fuming that I could not tell her what she wanted to hear. But you know, on reflection, what normal person calls about their bill at midnight? (12:05am)
Every once in a while things go wrong with computers. It happens. But, being the enlightened species that we are, it shouldn't be a problem, right? Well, tonight our computer linked myself and another operator as if we had called each other. Witness the exchange.
Both: Thank you for calling, may I take your pledge? Me: I'm an operator. Her: Huh? Me: I'm an operator here. The computer connected us. Her: What do you mean? Me: There's no caller here. Just hang up. Her: Who do you want me to hang up? Me: Just disconnect and done the call. Her: Do you want to make a pledge?
At that point I hung up, probably becoming one of her "stupid callers" in the process. (8:47pm)
A cable customer in Florida called to report his cable out. Partway through, he broke into a tirade about a completely unrelated time his cable was out and techs dared to come over to his house to fix it. I suggested that if he not want his service repaired to not call it in, otherwise I would make a report. "That's what I'm calling for! I want you to make a report!!" Rolling my eyes, I proceeded to gather the info. Afterwards, the caller again stated that he didn't want anybody to come out to his house. Ever. He claimed to be certain that it was an area-wide problem, even when I told him that we'd received no other reports all night long. "Look, just write down that I don't want anyone coming out. Just grab your pen and write it down. Can you handle that?" "No, sir, I'm afraid we've joined the technological age and now use something called 'a computer', but I'll TYPE a mention of it." (1:08am)
Sorry, folks. Tonight was one of those nights for me where I get so many irritating people that I don't get the opportunity to write them down. Three times I tried, only to be interrupted by another whose antics usurped the previous caller's in my limited capacity brain, and next thing I knew, I'd forgotten why I was writing them down at all. Damn them! Their idiocy overwhelmed me!
An annoying old woman with an accent best described as "german-italian-japanese-strangled cat" called our health products company. She inquired about a product, and asked its price. When I tried to give it to her, she informed me that they had said it on the radio and she knew it already, then she asked me for it again. I gave it to her, $89.85. "Do not give me this $89.85 stuff," she stilted. "It is $90 and I know it." She then got the address to send her wrong-amount check to and demanded that I take her name but no other information and give it to the office. I'm sure they'll be glad to that Sasha from Nowhere called. (10:37pm)
It should be illegal for a caller to get your hopes up about them being dealt with quickly. A woman called our health products company, stating that she needed to know the price of an item. She then described it so I could tell her the name. She had me tell her how it worked, its ingredients, shipping times, and almost my waist size. At no time did she ask about the price. I finally said "Do you need to know how much it is?" "Oh, sure, you can tell me." I should be thankful that she didn't go on to place an order, but somehow, I'm not. (8:15pm)
A cable customer in Texas called. I was having no small amount of difficulty in figuring out why, however, as he insisted on meandering about a storm. Finally I spelled it out for him: "Sir. You called in for what purpose? What is your cable problem?" Turns out he wanted new service. Oh, how I look forward to having to field his calls in the future. (9:37pm)
Cable callers need a new hobby. A man called in from Texas to tell me one of his channels -- a channel he admitted to never watching and not desiring to do so now -- was out. He said that a tech needed to call him tonight and come out to fix it. He sincerely hoped, with all the threatening undertone that a "baccy-chawin" Texan could, that he would not have to involve the D.A.'s office and lawsuits like the last time that this channel, which he never needed to watch, was not attended to. I calmly told him I would report it, and he gave a mule-like grunt and hung up. (9:41pm)
A woman called into the health company to order a magnetic mattress pad. Attempting to assist, I inquired as to which size she needed. To this, she started shrieking "I need more information before I tell you anything! I won't tell you anything about me until I know how much this thing is!!" Sighing, I again asked "For which size?" For cryin' out loud, lady, like my knowing you have a queen-sized bed tells me your name, address, credit card number, blood type, sexual preferance, allergies and bra size. (9:58pm)
A cable customer in Texas was calling to complain that he ordered some wrestling event on PPV tonight and it cut out. I explained that as the office was closed there was nothing we could do except file his report to the billing department to credit his account. He replied with "Oh my GOD!" and slammed the phone down. Good to know that it's perfectly alright to take the lord's name in vain -- on a Sunday, of all days -- in the name of rasslin', isn't it? (10:01pm)
An operator asked a caller in Texas for his name. Quite seriously he replied "I don't know. I could be Mike, Michael, or I might be Curtis. I'm not really sure what my name is." She quickly got out of that conversation. (10:15pm)
A man called to order oregano oil from our health products company. His wife caught him doing it, and they began to argue about it. She tried valiently, but it was ultimately foiled when the man's logic won out: "It's not the stuff from Mexico," he told her. "It's grown up in the mountains, like Miller beer." Later, as we wrapped up the order, he confided to me that he wore the pants in the house. I have to assume his wife was out of the room. Before I could successfully disengage from the conversation, he listed hte many products he was taking for his weight condition, the most memorable of which was the "Fat Whacker." (1:09am)
A woman called, appropriately enough, into a psychiatrist's line, and asked me if it was Tuesday morning. At least she had the decency to confess that her question sounded crazy. I'm curious, however, as to why she didn't refer to any one of a number of non-interactive sources for the date and time. (7:13pm)
A caller to an AC/heating repair company asked if it was normal for an air conditioner to only operate for three house on a freon refill. (7:20pm)
Texans are a special breed. This particular call dealt with a woman inquiring about a charge on her bill she didn't understand. I explained that she would need to speak to the billing department whose lines were currently busy, and I would request that they call her back.
Woman: You can't answer my question? Me: Correct. Woman: Why not? Me: Because I am not the billing department. Woman: What will they know that you don't? Me: Anything about your bill.
Huffy, she hung up and said she'd just call back. Perhaps next time she'll grasp the concept of a billing department. (7:57pm)
I'm not sure what it is exactly, but there's something intensely amusing about hearing a 70 year old man asking for the PPV movie "Leprechauns in the Hood." Actually, there's something amusing about anyone asking for that. (11:54pm)
A cable caller reported having ordered some PPV movie he didn't want. He didn't know anything about the movie or channel in question, simply what channel number it was on. When asked why he ordered it, he said he had no idea. Now, if you're going to order porn and then try lamely to call and get it taken off your bill, be prepared to admit the fact, because those people in billing will find out what you ordered, and they, just like me, are going to know why you ordered it. Be man (or woman) enough to admit it. (1:38am)
A crotchey old woman called to check the status of a pledge she made, and I told her I could not check it because this line was solely for taking pledges. "You're lying," she told me. "I've called this line before and they've taken my pledge, so!" and hung up. (7:00pm)
A caller to one of our baby clothing companies was upset that the only had a website and no catalogs. I was forced to admit that I did not know how comprehensive the site was (not having visited each website for our 250 companies), and at this, several veins in her head exploded violently. "Well what if I'm looking for a specific item of yours and need to know if it's in stock?!" "Which item are you looking for, ma'am?" I asked. "I don't know any of your items. Why do you think I need a catalog?" (7:51pm)
A cable customer in Kansas called in. I presume to report his cable out, although we never got that far. The conversation ground to a halt when I asked for his phone number:
Man: And where are you? Me: <non-Kansas state> Man: And how long you figure it'll take you to drive up here and fix my cable? Me: <sigh> Your phone number? Man: What the hell you need that for? Me: This is information that is required for every call that comes into this line. Man: Oh, is it. Me: Yes. <long pause> Do you plan to give me your phone number? Man: No I do not. Me: Then I can't help you. Goodnight.
Why oh why can't people grasp the idea that THEY are the ones in need of help? (8:50pm)
A caller to our health services company wanted to know if we had a yearly payment plan for the magnetic mattress pad. Now, they're expensive, but not THAT expensive... "Yes, sir, I'll take your credit information and our on-call banker will get in touch to see if you qualify for our 5-year mortgage plan..." (11:00pm)
A caller to one of our forklift rental companies wanted to report a big dog outside of her store. When informed of her mistake, she asked "Well, can you come pick it up with one of those things? It's a pretty big dog..." (8:18pm)
A cable customer, disappointed in the short length of his porn, berated me for not knowing the scheduling details of all the hundres of cities we answer for. "Doesn't it bother you, not knowing anything other than when the office will be open tomorrow?" "That is not my job, so I don't lose any sleep over it. The office decides that it is not my job to have scheduling information." "You'll never get anywhere like that," he said, "I feel sorry for you." Coming from someone who griped because he didn't get that last half hour of porn, my self-esteem was mostly unscathed. (12:07am)
Finance Company hijinks. I never cease to be amazed at the high volume of idiots that call into this line. Tonights highlights:
No one knows the proper way to answer the question "What is the best time to call you?" Apparently, you can answer anything from "morning" to "When I'm at work" to "weekdays," but never an actual time.
Our old friend "gross monthly income" continues to baffle and amaze. That means "$10,000," "$200 per week," "$8.00 an hour," but never how much a person makes every month before tax is taken out.
One man tonight wanted to trade in his vehicle, but had no idea what car he owned.
My favourite of hte rush was the old man who, when asked his income, proceeded to berate me, claiming that what he spent his money on was none of my "goddamn business." Dude, spend it all on Fixodent and Depends, I couldn't care less and neither could the car company, we just want to know how much you had before embarking on a spending spree.
A fairly inarticulate man in Mississippi called to report his cable out. Initially, I thought he was saying that he paid for his cable to be out for two months, however further discussion cleared up the statement at "I pay too much for the cable to be out." He refused to believe that the cable gnomes cared little for billing matters. (1:46am)
A woman in Texas called and almost immediately thrust the phone into the TV speaker for a lifetime or three before returning to the line triumphantly, certain that her point (whatever it was supposed to be) was made. She then slipped into an age-induced haze, rambling about old cars and their spark plug's affect on television reception. Feel free to reminsce, but please, do it without me. (2:24am)
A wife had to call in the stead of her husband, when he was unable to get the boxing pay-per-view. He would have called, I'm sure, but he was too busy moaning/bellowing/childishly whining in the background. I could almost see the tears in his eyes. It's only two men beating the crap out of each other. If you want that, walk down to the local bar and spit on someone. And it's free, too. (8:31pm)
A customer in Pennsylvania called in, pissed that when he ordered a movie on PPV through one of his boxes, it did not appear on the other two. He wasn't pleased with my helpful suggestion that he watch the movie on the set he ordered it from, throwing a mini-tantrum because he wanted to see it on a different TV. (9:39pm)
A man called into a towing service, wanting the on-call to call him back with some pricing information. Upon getting his phone number, I noticed that the caller ID had reported something similar, with the exception of one digit. I asked if the caller ID number was the correct one, and the man replied with the ever-so intelligent "Oh, yeah, whatever." Way to ensure a call-back. (12:29am)
Children should be forbidden from phone usage. Particularly bored ones on a Saturday night. This one, a clearly pre-pubescent male (based upon the ease with which he based for a female) called into a 24-hour hotline for pregnant woman wanting to talk about adoption. "Her" first name? Robert. "Uh-huh. I'm guessing you're not actually a pregnant woman." "No, I'm his wife." "You're Robert, the wife of a man who's a pregnant woman." At this point, our witty young crank caller ran out of mind-blowing repetoire, and managed to get out naught up "Uhhh..." before hanging up. (12:40am)
A caller to our maternity clothing store specifically asked that she get a nursingwear catalog. When asked for her due date, she said that he was still trying to get pregnant. Thinking that she might have made the common mistake, I noted that the nursing catalog was for woman who had given birth, to which the woman responded "I know that. I'm the one who's going to have the baby!" Chalking it up to her hormones acting up far prematurely, I reached over, marked her for a maternity catalog, and went on about my business with a smile. (12:55am)
A cable customer in Illinois called back, as he didn't understand the previous operator's statement of "I'll get this reported to a technician for you." While gathering his information, he refused to tell me what his service complaint was, replying to my inquiries with "The problem is the problem" and other such thought-out retorts. I checked his previous report and discovered that all the hubub revolved around him having bad reception on the cable after running it through his new VCR. Truly an emergency case. (8:59pm)
A caller to our health products company wanted more information about our "magnetic power bar." Now, we get lots of people who get the names of items wrong, from the wild orgasmic kit to the perfect maxi. But it's rare that a customer gets the purpose of an item so wrong as well. In this case, the caller wanted edible magnets; thinking them to be a dietary supplement. When I explained that the magnets in question were part of a pad placed on a mattress, he asked "So you can't eat them?" (8:42pm)
A man in Texas could not figure out how to dial in with his cable modem. Say no more. (9:37pm)
A cable caller from Illinois wanted to report that he had a cut cable line for over a year, that he reported it all the time, and that it was never fixed. Even if this dubious complaint were true, I've no sympathy for the man due to the fact that he chose to take his anger out on me when he was the person who (like so many other customers) complains of everlasting poor service and never bothers to change service or get a satellite. Duh. (10:19pm)
Upon calling into the health products company and being asked which product he was interested in, a man responded by asking me "What's its name?" I attempted to explain that with over 100 products, I had no idea which he was referring to. "Forget this shit," he said angrily and hung up. (10:25pm)
Seeking assistance for a rather personal problem, a fine young gentleman called the health products company to find an item that would help him "get it up." He inquired about using orgeno oil to this end, to which I replied "oregano will help with many things, but not that." As though he had forgotten his delicate condition he said "what do you mean by 'that'?" with the faintest leer in his voice which said to me that if he couldn't get satisfaction one way, he'd try another. "Your crippling impotence," I replied. He quickly hung up. I wouldn't be surprised to hear from him later tonight as he's unable to order porn. (10:32pm)
A man interested in an air purifier was most insistant on pinning me down to an example of something which was 750 square feet. "So that's bedroom sized?" "Well that would be fairly comparative, I'd think. Far too small if you're in, say, the Taj Mahal. Much too large if you live in a cardboard box." (10:36pm)
A caller to our repair company, let's call it "We Do Repairs Here," after being told the company's name, asked if he had dialed 1-800-REPAIR. When I told him I did not know due to the line volume, he said he must have dialed a wrong number, for he was looking for a place that did repairs. (10:45pm)
A cable caller in Kansas said she couldn't access the "guide" function or clock on her digital cable. When told the office would see the message in the morning, the customer queried why I, at the "emergency service center," would not help now. "Perhaps because they qualify things like actual cable outages as emergencies," I told her. "Well, I pay extra for this, maybe I should get to decide if it's an emergency." I laughed with her, then dropped back to serious mode and told her the office would see it in the morning. (11:15pm)
I'm really at a loss to fully describe this one, so bear with me as I work through my combined rage and dumbfoundedness. I've mentioned a towing company we answer for in the past. I feel those reports were a good lead-up to tonight's sitaution. Follow along with me.
Now, near as I can fathom it, a towing company serves a very exact and specified niche, that being to tow cars. On this fine Sunday night, there appears to be many who could use this service. Poor things, they chose this company.
We have very specific details on how to dispatch things for this account (and, indeed, most accounts). First we call the on-call's cell. Then we page the on-call. Then we try the backup. Then the owner. No luck on any front, with the exception of the backup's cell phone. That one picks up just fine. But nobody will answer. Oh, I can hear rustling. I can hear somebody in the background quite clearly. At one point, I even got him to say the world "No." But beyond that? Utter silence. Of course, now the calls start piling up, the customers are starting to get angry, and still nobody will respond. I've heard of some extremeley unprofessional things in my time, but this has to take the cake. (1:23am)
UPDATE: Our silent towing friend finally checks in! Apparently, his cell phone wasn't working properly. Of course not. That fully explains why it took you an hour to check in with the answering service, since I'm sure you have no other phones in your house and you couldn't just call your office's number and be automatically sent to us. Makes perfect sense. As for the on-call's cell not working, he claimed that it had been stolen so they had disconnected the number. As expected, no answer was forthcoming as to why the pager went unanswered or why nobody had bothered to call the answering service and let them know how to get in contact with them. Golly, they're superific! Let me note down their name and number to call next time I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere at 2am! (1:56am)
An employee of a cooking school called to demand that we make sure the last message to him personally was faxed. Easy enough, except when they refuse to identify themselves or give any information about the message they want faxed. (8:05pm)
A cable customer in Texas called to report her cable out, although she initially claimed it was a reconnection. She then began to accuse the answering service in general and me specifically of not doing our jobs, seeing as how she had reported the problem five hours back and it was still out. I told her that five hours ago, not only was I still enjoying my day, but the office was open and fielding their own calls. "Well, whatever," she said without a hint of apology. I second that sentiment, ma'am, let's handle your problem with the same attitude, hm? (9:13pm)
A man in Texas called into a pledge line to receive glass. Yes, just glass. (See rant.) He himself was going to pledge $180, and his employers would match that pledge. For this, he wanted to receive the $360 item. I had a good chuckle and then clued him into The Real World.
Man: Well, you won't get the corporate donation unless I turn it in. Me: Correct. Man: So I should get credit for their donation too. Let's negotiate. Me: <laugh> "Negotiate"? I'm not here to negotiate, I'm here to take pledges. Man: Well this will be a nice big pledge. C'mon, let's negotiate. Me: This is not the bazaar, sir, we don't haggle over prices here. Either you want to pledge or you don't. Man: Not unless I get credit for all of it. Me: Goodnight then.
A caller from Indiana, who could not understand the phrase "Name a city close to yours" had a satellite dish installed a year earlier, and now wanted the cable technicians to come out and move his trees, because they were blocking the satellite reception. (11:22pm)
Guess who still sucks? The towing company from earlier this week has not improved over the last few days. Around 7:15pm, I received a call from a man wondering the ETA for the call his insurance company had placed an hour before. Checking the delivered messages, I could see no record of the call, so, assuming the office had taken it before they closed, I called the on-call's cell. He said that he was busy and to call the backup. I did so, and lo and behold, there was again no answer. Though I could hear plenty of singing. I tried again, this time with a response. He claimed he'd never received a call for the customer and demanded to know how the man expected him to go out on a call he'd never received, concluding our pleasant chat by telling me to call the man back and tell him he had the wrong company and hanging up. Grumbling, I did so, recommending the customer to call back his insurance company to confirm who they had contacted. Usually out of sight is out of mind for calls, but as I was still irritated with this company, I went back and took a look. What do you know, I DID find the first call for the man, coming in about 6pm. The on-call was contacted and he said he would cal lback for the information in 30 minutes. The backup was also contacted and he said he'd check back by 7pm for it. Both failed utterly in these seemingly simple tasks. Way to run a company. I don't expect to have to put up with their incompetance for much longer, however. Their business practices will do them in quite well. (7:36pm)
A caller from Mississippi asked if there had been any problems reported in her area. I checked, found that there were none, and she thanked me. Before she could hang up, I asked if she had a problem with her cable. She said she didn't have cable, that she was just checking to see how reliable the service was. (10:36pm)
Still I weep for the next generation. An expectant mother called into a clothing company to request a catalogue. When asked if she needed maternity or nursing, she replied "No, for me and my sister." Clearing that up, she said that she needed two of them mailed. The second address? The same as the first. "Ma'am, they're not going to mail two to the same place. Why don't you just share?" "Oh. Okay." The scary part is, she's probably the smart one. (10:45pm)
A cable caller from Texas complained that she had called for several days -- "three long days" in fact -- about her cable outage and boy was she ticked. After demanding information about me, as though I were Satan's personal footman, I asked her when the cable had gone out. She dug around for a piece of paper she wrote the info on, so she wouldn't forget: "6:45pm, June 19th." (10:50pm)
A woman in Texas called to report her cable out. She was quite irrate, yelling and swearing and generally being unpleasant. Unphased, I got her information, and all progressed swiftly until the phone number (what is it about cable customers and their phone number anyway?), at which point she put her heels down and refused to move. When I proved myself to be equally as stubborn, she turned to threats: "Are you gonna get this cable on or am I gonna have to call and disconnect my service in the morning?!" "Are you going to give me your phone number or am I going to have to disconnect this call right now?" Guess who caved first? (10:55pm)
It's a statement in today's society when threatening a person is as natural as asking for something, if not moreso. An elderly woman, having a great deal of trouble with her "new fadangled" (direct quote, no lie) digital cable, became hostile, saying "If I have to watch David Letterman instead of Jay Leno, I get REAL MAD!!" If Leno is that integral to your well-being, keep an emergency tape. Or maybe what's too "new fadangled" for her to grasp. (11:10pm)
An old woman from Florida made it a personal mission to test my patience. Her complaint was that her telelvision would not turn off, thus preventing her from sleeping. I walked her through all the normal steps one would follow for turning off a television set, from the remote control to the actual power button on her set. When all else failed, I instructed her on how to unplug the television from the wall -- an act which was far more difficult for her than it should have been -- and then she told me that her television was still on, with its power cord laying on the floor. Exasperated, I actually turned the call over to a manager, who told the woman that she did not pay $80 a month for a tech to come out and teach her how to operate her set. From what I understand, she hung up, which is an inevitability whenever one has a caller this complete lost. (Personally, I wish Mike had taken my suggestion and told the woman that her TV had become possessed by the devil and she needed to call her priest immediately for an exorcism, but he never listens to my good ideas...) (8:53pm)
A man in Pennsylvania wanted to order a nursing item, presumably for another. After discovering that the colour he wanted was out of stock, as was his back-up colour, he sent me on a mad system search for a colour that WAS available. Finally discovering one -- white, which he specifically requested I check on -- he said he didn't like white and hung up. (12:33am)
A cable customer in Florida called in with a dispute over the PPV event he just ordered, in that it was not coming on. "What time was it scheduled?" I asked. "10pm," he replied, "but I want to watch it now." I regretably informed him that the cable company hadn't yet figured out how to warp the laws of time and space. (1:55am)
One of our web hosting companies apparently had a server go down, judging from the calls that started coming in. Most gave me little problem, with the exception of one man, who could not stop telling me how vitally important his site was, and how every second he was down was costing him thousands of dollars ... of course, he was unwilling to shut up and let me go on about my job of actually reporting the problem. Explaining this to him did nothing at all, of course, as he merely renewed his insistances that every second was critical. (1:55am)
UPDATE: He called again. Same story, unable to understand why the situation remained unchanged in the whole 10 minutes that had passed since his first report. Aside from the same story, he was most adamant that no other site was as important as his and how everything the techs were working on should be dropped in favour of his UFO site and the $2500 commercial that could run at any moment on the radio which would cost him thousands of hits. You know, for the first time, I think there's something I've come to hate about the web. I suppose it was really only a matter of time. (2:03am)
While doing a scan for cable problems, I noticed a man in Texas reporting that he'd been out of cable for the past seven years. I only wish I were joking. (5:54pm)
I offer the following as proof that not all the freaks call us from afar. Many, disturbingly, are right close to home. Upon checking my work E-mail at the start of my shift, I read a lengthy bitch from a co-worker regarding some food he had brought which disappeared from the fridge when he went to eat it. Now I'll grant you that this is irritating, but the fact remains that this is a problem ALL offices experience, and that a good rule of thumb is to trust no one, to borrow a cliche. Obviously my business commrade felt differently, and made the grevious error of expecting others to respect his dinner. All this aside, however, partake of some excerpts from his E-mail (erratic capitalization and typos included):
"...If you are going to do these PATHETIC, ILLOGICAL, CHILDISH acts of schizophrenic behavior, please note THAT YOU ARE GOING TO have to touch up your sad stealing techniques...I have a very good idea of who it is...I know who you are, and I will take it upon myself to make your time here as SUSPICIOUS AS POSSIBLE. YOU SHOULD LOOK OVER YOUR BACK, KEEP AN EYE (OR GLASSES) ON YOUR BELONGINGS...I hope that ??????? chokes or gets indigestions that turns into pneumonia due to complications with an aquired immune defiency syndrome!!"
Dude. It's a pot pie. Chill. (7:46pm)
An unpregnant woman called our adoption hotline to find out how much she could expect to be paid to become pregnant, gestate and give birth to a child for someone to adopt. I've heard of women selling their bodies, but it's not often they call us to rent them out. Truly a pathetic case. (7:50pm)
A man in Colorado called with a cable problem. I discovered that he was in a hotel, and instructed him that he would need to contact the front desk.
Man: They won't answer. Me: I'm afraid I can't help that, but I would need to hear from them. Man: Well there's something wrong with this TV. Me: Then you'd need to contact the front desk and report it to them. If it's cable problem, they will let us know. Man: But they're not answering! Do something! Me: I cannot magically make the front desk answer the phone, sir. Man: So now what do I do? Me: Did it occur to you to walk down there and look for them? Man: I ain't walking all the way down there. Me: Then I'm afraid I'm out of suggestions for you.
The man then launched into an impenetrable stream of profanities, and I most regrettably terminated the call. (10:44pm)
A cable caller from Texas said his entire city was out of cable, because he asked his next-door neighbor. When prompted for an address, he could not provide one; they lived out in the countryside. (12:05am)
A cable caller from Pennsylvania wanted money back on his wrestling PPV because he didn't like the outcome of the matches. (9:31pm)
Another cable caller from the same state wanted a complete refund on his PPV because a severe thunderstorm warning rolled across the top of his screen one time. (9:45pm)
Yet another PPV caller, this one from a completely different state, wanted to know if they could "store" the PPV so he could watch it at a later date. "Like a drop box?" I joked. "Yeah," the man said seriously. "Sir, the device you are describing is a VCR." (10:20pm)
A cable caller who had cancelled his cable three months earlier was told he would receive a refund check for $1.19. After watching the mail dilligently for his treasured check and not receiving it, he decided to make a fuss about the matter. (11:06pm)
An interested woman called into the health product company seeking information on the magnetic mattress pad. I answered all of her questions, including how many magnets were in the pad and the gauss rating on each. Pleased with my answers, she said that she knew it was a good quality becasue the infomercial she was listening to had told her to ask for that information, and if it correlated with what they said on the show, then it was indeed of the finest calibur. I didn't have the heart to clue her in. (11:34pm)
"How high does this scale go?" inquired a man calling a medical supply company. Unable to find that information, I offered to take his name and number and have the office call him with the answer Monday morning. "No, that's okay. I need this right away, I don't want to wait around." I wonder how quickly he thought he was going to get it by placing an order at 12am Sunday night? (11:34pm)
Or old psychic friend with the "red pixel-y thing" (remember him?) called his web hosting company again with a unique problem: his printer wouldn't work. Yes, he expected his domain parkers to fix it. When I told him there was no link between his hosts and his printer, he didn't believe me, making me spell out the mutually exclusive responsbilties of each party. "You sound like you know a lot," he said after I had finished. "Can you fix my printer?" I wasn't even about to delve into how is hosting company's answering service and a malfunctioning printer were even further removed. (12:29am)
A caller to our health products company tried to make small talk discussing politics. Sadly, he was a little out of touch: "Come on, you've gotta vote Bush, we can't re-elect that Clinton guy. We gave him one shot already and he blew it." Later, as I asked for his address, he responded, "Do you have to have that to send this to me?" I was too stunned to say anything other than "Yes. I do." (1:05am)
A caller to our internet hosting company needed urgent technical help with his site. After utilizing what I can only assume were years of computer prowess and expertise to craft his masterful website, he had no idea how to "get it up there" on the web. Ahh, I hope that the tech saddled with helping this gent gets some extra pay. (10:38pm)
A cable caller from Oklahoma, after beating around the bush on her problem, stated that she was supposed to have her cable turned back on after being disconnected. "I was just calling to see if they turned it back on," she said. "Do you have any cable on your telelvision?" I asked in return. "Ohhh, that would tell me?" If you ask me, her problem isn't with getting her cable reconnected... (10:48pm)
A fellow co-worker (the same one with the garbage bags) was making a sales pitch to a customer. He confidently read off all the text on the screen without a thought or hesitation. This included the final paragraph: "Users who sign up during July will receive an additional 10% savings during their first two months. Do not announce this to the customers before July." There was a pause and I barely witheld a laugh as he stated to the customer "Oops. Guess I wasn't supposed to read that part." He didn't get the sale. (10:57pm)
A cable customer in Missouri called in as she was unable to receive PPV through her digital service. I went through my usual spiel: "Unfortunately, the only way to receive Pay-Per-View after hours is through the automatic system. If you were unable to order, the only thing I can do is leave a message for the office and have them check into it tomorrow." This statement, crafted over the course of many years for maximum efficiency, was met with the question "What does that mean?" "Well, I find that fairly self-explanitory, which part confused you?" (12:29am)
A woman in Louisana called in to yell at an operator because the cable company's phone number was wrong in her phone book. This seemingly innocent error, caused by neither the operator nor the cable company, required 15 minutes of irrate ranting, including (unsuccessful) demands for the operator's full name and a call back by the office tomorrow. (8:08pm)
A caller to our internet hosting company needed a call back about his account. It seems that after drafting a nasty E-mail saying to cancel his account, he "accidentally" sent it. Okay, we'll pause a minute for the laughter to die down, since it gets better. He just happened to send this E-mail during a major equipment crash for this company, and I'm sure he endeared himself to techs and billing alike during this time. And he waited two days -- coincidentally the amount of time it took the company to fix its problems -- to realize that he made the mistake of sending the E-mail. The sad thing is, the company will apologize for the inconvenience and welcome him back with open arms. (10:19pm)
A man with a long distance company was having trouble dialing a number from his home. Whenever he would dial the number (and he had apparently been trying all night long), he would receive a recording. Now perhaps I'm the odd one, but to me, the crux of knowing how to help someone in this situation is in knowing what the recording says. He didn't know, however, despite receiving it all day long. Or, rather, he did know it, but he couldn't quote it word for word, and this was apparently causing him great distress. My assurances that paraphrasing the message was completely acceptible fell on dead ears -- he wanted me to hear the recording for myself. Now I don't know if he had three-way calling or if he was going to have me dial the number for him myself, nor do I care, as I didn't have the time to hear the message, nor did I intend to. My refusal to play his game resulted in much huffiness, and he hung up, claiming he'd just find another long distance company. Of course, he calls right back, getting me again and demanding my name: "I'm reporting you for not listening to my recording!" he cried, almost literally. I really couldn't help but chuckle. (11:00pm)
A cable caller from Mississippi wanted an additional cable box. She was willing to pay the fee that had been quoted to her by the office, but was stunned and completely aghast at being billed for it through the cable company. She could never tell me who she expected to pay, but it wasn't the cable company. (11:36pm)
Tonight it was my pleasure to field a completely different kind of tech call. Some woman in Texas managed to get a technician's phone number and called him up at 11:30pm, screaming and swearing at him because her cable was out. Probably needless to say, the tech was NOT happy about being woken up by this lunatic at all, especially considering that he and the woman had made arrangements earlier that night to have the service repaired tomorrow. "If she calls you tonight," he said, "tell her she MAY have cable tomorrow, or she MAY have it next month. Frankly, she'll be lucky if she EVER gets her cable back again." Oh, I so hope she calls me tonight.... (11:38pm)
A man in Colorado called with a billing concern. He wanted to dispute the late fee charges on this month's bill, because he still had LAST month's bill, and could not see a due date on it. Apparently the lack of a due date meant that the bill was never ever due ever, so he didn't pay it. This in and of itself is cause enough to be written up, but when told that he would need to speak to the billing department who were closed, he replied "Well I'm doing my work now," and then paused expectantly, as though waiting for me to patch him through to a billing rep's home at 1am in light of this new information. (1:02am)
A first for OSB, there were NO incidents worthy of documenting tonight. It was one of the slowest Friday's we've had in ages, and a welcome change of pace. Boring to read, perhaps, but relatively pleasant to live through. Now if only the rest of the week can be so dull ...
We all have jobs here. They may not be what we like or pay as much as we hope, but we're supposed to do them nonetheless. And when, for some unknown reason, we decide to do someone else's job instead, one can only assume we can do it right. Tonight, I watched a peon lacky such as myself attempt to check in a technician, Nikki's job. Her skilled technique included:
