I've been working at this job for a lot longer than is probably healthy. Over my prolonged stay in purgatory, I've collected lots of stories like those that we add daily, primarily because they amused the hell out of my friends. Sadly, I've lost most of my collection, but here are some that I've managed to salvage. This will likely be the slowest growing of all the sections, assuming my memory is ever stirred or I dig up a treasure trove of old stories, but heck, I still found those below too amusing to not include.
It's sad to admit it, but sometimes, my co-workers are as much an obstacle in my job as the customers. In this particular instance, I was on my singular, 15 minute break on a very busy and stressful night. I was downstairs in the kitchen, talking on the phone to Mike (this is obviously set before he started to work there too) and solomly eating my dinner. My conversation was interrupted, mid-word, by one of computer techs who probably knows less about computers than I do.
Tech: Hey! Do you smoke? Me: No, I don't. <tries to return to conversation> Tech: <interrupting again> Do you want to start? Me: No, I don't.
At this point, my already frazzled temper is running out, and I turn back to Mike on the phone. Instead of taking the social cue, like any other reasonably educated human, the tech sits down at the small table, across from me, as if I had just invited him to share in my small repast.
Tech: Would you sell your soul for a cigarette? Me: If I just said I did not smoke and had no intention of starting, what the fuck makes you think that I would sell my soul for a cigarette? Tech: <open-mouthed gaping to rivel that of a sea bass> Me: Any other brilliant questions?
Finally, he gets a hint that if I had wanted to spend my break talking to him I would have sought HIM out, and slinks back to his office. Later, the manager that night told me that he had complained that I was mean to him. "Don't ask Nikki stupid questions, and she'll have no reason to be mean to you." Advice the world should follow.
A cable customer in Pennsylvania called to report that she had ordered a movie on Pay-Per-View and had not received it, demanding to not be charged. I asked which movie she had ordered, and the customer replied that it wasInspector Gadget. Now, I've never liked the cartoon series this movie was based on, but I don't think you can be a child of the 80s and not be well aquainted with its theme song. Such was the case here, as I paused for a moment and finally identified the music which was not only on but blaring in the background. "Interesting," I replied, "that sure sounds like Inspector Gadget on your TV." Another pause, this one a bit longer. "Hey, it just came on! Uhhh, thanks!" and she quickly hung up. You know, it's one thing for someone to try and scam a free movie, but at least have the presence of mind to hit the mute button before you call.
One of our clients monitors and handles gasoline and other harmful chemical spills. Before we get any other information, we are required to ask the question "Do you have an immediate health danger or fire?" I always felt this was a silly question... Until one night when I asked this of a gas station attendant. "Yeah, there's a fire here," he said. "I assume you called the fire department?" "No...you think I should?" "Most assuredly." I learned that day, there is no question too silly to ask.
A customer called into a company that produces breast enhancement pills. She asked if I used them, and when I said no, asked me why. I'm not asking why you DO want to use them, Olive Oyl, how about respecting the privacy of strangers?
Hunters have never been the most intelligent of humans in my book anyway, but some really go above and beyond the call of duty. This guy wanted to sign up for a membership which included a free video. He had three choices and I quoted the video names to him. "What was number two?" I repeated that choice. "Number three? Number two?" I finally had to break it down for him in terms he could understand: "Do you want to watch people kill deer, birds or bunnies?"
One of our busiest clients sells health products such as vitamins, herbal remedies, etc. Essentially, they prey upon the old, weak and desperate, but they make a killing, so I guess they're doing something right. In any case, most of the people we talk to should probably already be dead, and most have lost at least two of their five senses. In this case, they were asked what the call letters for the radio station they were listening to was. The response? "I don't know, I'm legally blind and can't see them on the radio."
The same company as above. "How do you spell 'IP-6'?"
More fun with the health company. "How long does a three month supply last?"
The following occured during the wee hours of the morning, around 1 or 2am.
Caller: "Is this a free call?" Me: "Yes." Caller: "Do you have some time to chat?" Me: "No." *click*
Stop being a tight ass and call a phone sex line if you want to talk, they'll be happy to entertain you all night long.
An example of inter-office stupidity. One of our managers stole a credit card number from a local client, literally, right down the road from our office. They did this during a slow time of year for that company (given a month, the company would've been swamped with orders), and then used the credit card number to pay off their phone bill. Needless to say, that individual is no longer employed with us. I like to think it was less for what they did and more for the completely brainless way in which they did it.
And finally, this is probably Mike's all-time favourite caller quote: "Is this the number I dialed?"
It's sad to admit it, but sometimes, my co-workers are as much an obstacle in my job as the customers. In this particular instance, I was on my singular, 15 minute break on a very busy and stressful night. I was downstairs in the kitchen, talking on the phone to Mike (this is obviously set before he started to work there too) and solomly eating my dinner. My conversation was interrupted, mid-word, by one of computer techs who probably knows less about computers than I do.